myagonyaunt

affordable weddings in california

2006-01-03T08:19:00.000-08:00

affordable weddings in california: The dove has always represented quiet innocence.
The Chinese saw the dove as a symbol of peace and long life.
To early Greeks and Romans, doves symbolised love, devotion, and
caring.

The dove was the sacred animal of Aphrodite and Venus, the goddesses of
love.

In these ancient cultures, the groom would give a dove to the bride,
symbolising his promise to help care for her and for the family.

These days, Doves are regularly released at weddings as a blessing for
the bride and groom.
Doves pair up for life, so they are a true representation of love and
the eternal commitment that a couple have made.

This tradition has become popular at weddings in the USA and the UK recently.
There are many bird fanciers that have put their expertise to providing
doves for release at events in their local area, so why not look in your local phone guide and release some doves at your california wedding..

about the outdoors

2006-01-02T10:45:00.000-08:00

about the outdoors
Alaska is Known as “the great land”, it may seem a harsh, remote wilderness and certainly nowhere anyone would want to live. These assumptions will change once you visit and are overwhelmed by Mother Nature at her best. From magnificent mountain ranges to ocean shores to glaciers to raging rivers, Alaska is an outdoor enthusiasts dream. Alaska compromises 20 percent of the total land mass of the United States, there is practically nothing that can’t be found.....

2005-10-18T04:58:00.000-07:00

Cingular shutting down AT&T's UMTS network until next year
Engadget - Oct 17 8:49 PM
It doesnt get talked about much these days, but before getting snapped up by Cingular AT&T Wireless actually introduced high-speed UMTS wireless service in a handful of cities (Seattle, the SF Bay Area, Phoenix, and Detroit). The phones bit and the download speeds were disappointing (especially compared with Verizons EV-DO service), so it wasnt exactly a shock that Cingular ended up Save to My Web

Meet New People Without Even Trying - My Agony Aunt

2005-09-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

Meet New People Without Even Trying - My Agony Aunt: "Meeting new people doesn't have to involve a conscious effort. Just participating in activities you enjoy or running daily errands can lead to meeting new people without even trying. Of course, if your favorite activity is watching television it is unlikely that this will lead you to meeting new people unless you watch television in a public place instead of your home. Anytime you are out in public you are bound to meet new people without even trying.

A weekly grocery shopping trip can lead to meeting new people without even trying. Even this mundane chore gives you the opportunity to meet new people. Even if you shop in the middle of the night you are likely to not be the only person in the store and can wind up meeting someone new. You may be the only customer in the store but surely there will be store employees present. The cashier may strike up a casual relationship while they are ringing up your order and this could lead to the effortless start of a relationship with someone new.

Another errand that may result in you meeting new people without even trying is taking a trip to a bank. You will most likely encounter long lines and a significant wait. Rather than keeping to yourself, speak to those around you and you may find yourself meeting new people without even trying. While many people may be annoyed by the long lines, many others will be thankful for your starting a conversation because it offers them a distraction and a way to pass the time.

"Read the rest of this article

Recharge Your Romance - My Agony Aunt

2005-09-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

Recharge Your Romance - My Agony Aunt: "Early in a relationship the romance factor is very high. The romance is seemingly effortless and it seems as though the romance will never fade. You may find, however, that over time the romance does fade and the relationship doesn't seem as exciting as it did in the beginning. This is natural as a couple becomes more familiar with each other they begin to make less of an effort in the romance department. When this happens it is time for the couple to start making a conscious effort to recharge their romance.

Recreating your first date can be one way to recharge your romance. Both partners probably put a tremendous amount of effort into their first date and it was probably an incredibly romantic night for both of you. Reenacting this first date by not only returning to the sight of the first date but also putting the same effort into preparing for the date can help to recharge your romance by reminding you of how exciting your relationship was in the beginning.

Leaving your work at the office is another way to recharge your romance. If you are constantly allowing your work life to interfere with your romantic life it is time to put your romance ahead of your career. While it is okay to talk to your partner about work and how your day went, obsessing over work is not acceptable and can put out the fire in your romance rather quickly.

"Read the rest of this article

Should I Leave My Husband - My Agony Aunt

2005-09-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

Should I Leave My Husband - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt:
I have been married to my husband for three years and I need some marriage advice. My husband is currently away from home and has been gone for 11 months with his job.
While he has been gone, I met a man and even slept with him a few times and I fell in love. I told my husband and he wants to stick through this and work it out. I love him and want that too, as I am petrified of divorce.
This other guy makes me feel like I have never felt before. He genuinely cares for me and does things I've never experienced with anyone before.
I can't seem to let him go and I know I need to. I am in agony. My heart is torn in two. This other guy wants to marry me and spend his life with me. I feel like I am one of those people you only read about when I'm with him. Help me -- I'm so torn up.
Torn Up

Dear Torn Up:
Simple you have to make a decision.

read the rest here

Why Doesn't She Want Me? - My Agony Aunt

2005-09-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

Why Doesn't She Want Me? - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt:
I share a very close friendship with a female friend. We share all our thoughts and secrets together, and has said many times that she loves and cares about me. She has even said that I'm one of the most special people in her life. However she doesn't want to be anymore than friends. She has told me that she doesn't want to spoil what we have because it's so special but it just sounds like a polite way of saying she's not interested.
It is a really upsetting and confusing situation because our feelings are very strong but I don't understand why she doesn't want more. Although I'm mature for my age (I am 20 whereas she is 25), I have often thought that this might be a reason.
Please help me understand.
A Close 'Friend'

Dear Friend:
This woman clearly isn't interested in you and has tried to let you know. You should stay as this woman's friend and not expect more. Maybe one day it would develop into a romantic relationship, but for now, just appreciate what you have.
What to do in the meantime? Try to realize that this woman doesn't want you as more than a friend. She's clearly just not attracted to you as anything more. Is there a chance that she's a lesbian?
Try to date other women or distract yourself by becoming active with other activities. You two could remain friends even when you're dating someone else. It's possible that when you go your friend seeking advice about another woman, she might get jealous, but it doesn't seem likely.
Just stay friends, but try to move on romantically.
Agony Aunt"

My Ex Girlfriend Won't Leave Me Alone - My Agony Aunt

2005-09-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

My Ex Girlfriend Won't Leave Me Alone - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt:
I need some relationship advice, my girlfriend recently said our relationship was over but she still comes round everyday and will not stay away.
We argue about this. She just says get over me, but she still wants me to buy her things. She does not want a sexual relationship (She was abused for 4 years by her Uncle) and says that's all I want.
This as been going on for about five weeks now I am at my wits end. I have thrown her out of the door but she threatens to kill herself. What can I do?
I have told her if it is really over she must stop coming round and wanting me to go to her parents. She said she just wants to be friends, but still cuddles up and sometimes hold hands.
The Dumper

Dear Dumper:
This woman clearly needs some help. She should be seeing a therapist for this abuse problem.
I'm sure she wants to remain friends, but she can't do that and still have the benefits of a romantic relationship. And if she does want to continue the romantic relationship, then that would involve the sexual part as well.
Physically removing her from your place is a good start, but you must be consistent. Don't let her into your house in the first place. Refuse phone calls. Return letters & block emails. Like with a 2 year old, the more attention you give to their tantrum, the more they think its acceptable behavior.
Try to resist temptation and it will work out in the end.
Agony Aunt"

Am I Being Abused? - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

Am I Being Abused? - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
My boyfriend of 5 months has taken to grabbing me when I don't listen to him. Once he's pulled my head back, and plenty of times he's grabbed my arm.
He makes me cry and afterwards he says how sorry he is.
One time I slapped him and he put me in a headlock. Is this abuse?
Boyfriend Hurts Me

Dear Boyfriend Hurts Me
Yes, you are being abused.
Anything that causes you physical harm is abuse, regardless if it is someone grabbing your arm, or punching you in the face!
You should strongly explore your feelings to decide if you truly want to be in this kind of relationship. If you do, this man is going to have to be made to see that he is abusive and to learn skills that will keep him from acting out in such a way.
I would strongly advise that you think about leaving him. Things could escalate and he could even be rough with any children you have in the future.
While I am sure he does love you, his feelings and attempts to apologize will never make up for the damage which has been done.
He will get worse!
Agony Aunt "

I Am At College and Depressed - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

"Dear Agony Aunt
I'm 18 years old and feel extremely depressed. I am at college but now the holidays are here I'm so lonely. My family calls me lazy because I don't have a job but I am looking for one. My boyfriend is great but he doesn't believe I'm depressed because if he did he'd blame himself.
I live at my grandparents and I've had a lot of trouble with my step mum who's got mental disorders. My dad and I barely talk. I feel like I just want to hide away from the world. Please help, I'm so lonely.
Depressed College Student

Dear Depressed
I applaud you for recognizing that something is wrong. It doesn't matter if others think so, or not.
Many times those in your closest circle can deny there is a problem because they feel if they ignore it, it will simply go away. I would go to a clinic or a doctor to discuss your depression. They can hook you up with counseling if need be, and prescribe medication--which can adjust your brain chemicals which are most likely leading to your feelings of depression.
There is hope, you just have to go out and get it! Therapy is a good route. It helps you learn ways to cope with your feelings and the issues that occur in life which can make you sad.
Agony Aunt">I Am At College and Depressed - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I'm 18 years old and feel extremely depressed. I am at college but now the holidays are here I'm so lonely. My family calls me lazy because I don't have a job but I am looking for one. My boyfriend is great but he doesn't believe I'm depressed because if he did he'd blame himself.
I live at my grandparents and I've had a lot of trouble with my step mum who's got mental disorders. My dad and I barely talk. I feel like I just want to hide away from the world. Please help, I'm so lonely.
Depressed College Student"

What Do You Really Want From Online Dating? - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

What Do You Really Want From Online Dating? - My Agony Aunt: "What Do You Really Want From Online Dating?
Written by Agony Aunt
A fundamental need of man: to find a life mate.
The most popular method used for this is dating.
Dating is not to be viewed as a precursor for sleeping together. It is much more than that. It is the first step towards choosing a life partner and online dating has made the whole process a lot simpler now.

Marriage Or A Casual Relationship?
Of course we are all grown up and so let us act like grown ups. In a casual relationship we are often just looking for fun.
If both parties understand each other perfectly and do not expect much from such a relationship, then there is no room for heartbreak.
If one party is in for something more serious and the other party is just looking for something casual then the problems start. So you should be absolutely clear about what you are looking for from the start, and you should make your intentions very clear to the other person.
At the same time you should have no doubts about the intentions of the other person as well. Remember, even if it is a casual relationship, there should be mutual understanding at least about the nature of the relationship.
... read more"

I Love My Cousin - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

I Love My Cousin - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt:
My marriage is on the rocks and has been for a year. I don't feel I love him any more. I have two boys who love there dad but he has ignored me in the past just to play on the computer.
I am getting interested in someone who is a lot younger than me and also he is a second cousin. He makes me feel like a kid again and when we are together all my problems go away. He says he will be there for me forever, but I know it's not right. We will never be accepted. I don't know what to do.
Do I end both or just stop the cousin one because it's just the fact that he is paying me attention?
Please help me. I don't know what to do.
Cousin Lover

Dear Cousin Lover:
You should stop the relationship with your cousin immediately.
I say relationship because you are cheating emotionally, if not physically, on your husband.
Your cousin is getting a kick out of having you show so much interest in him, and may be telling you that he will be there for you as family - not because he's in love with you.
Would your relationship with your husband work better if you put as much effort into it as you put into the relationship with your cousin?
Both of you need to leave your other 'relationships' alone and spend some time together as a family, and alone.
Your kids deserve that both their parents give your marriage 100% effort, sit down and talk to your husband, explain that you are feeling neglected for the other women in his life (the computer).
Would he consider going to marriage counseling with you?
He must stop ignoring you and you must stop all contact with your cousin, he should move onto someone more his own age and not a relative!

Hopefully, once you and your husband quit looking to alternative relations you will turn to each other
Agony Aunt"

How Do I Get A 0% APR Credit Card? - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

How Do I Get A 0% APR Credit Card?So you've got a few credit cards, and you're quite happy with them overall. Still, wouldn't it be nice to save a little money on interest? It all adds up over time, and more quickly than you'd think. If you're a good customer, you'd be surprised how easy it is to get a better rate.

Pay on Time, But Not Everything.

The most desirable customers for the credit card companies are the ones who make a payment on time every month - but don't pay off the whole balance. After all, running no balance every month means that you pay no interest, and the company makes no profit. If you keep up the pattern of running a relatively small balance each month, then the companies will start falling over themselves to offer you better interest rates.

Threaten to Go to Their Competitors.

Have you ever noticed that it seems like every company offers a credit card? That makes the credit card industry extremely competitive. Collect ads and offers for better rates than your company has given you, and then phone them up and tell them all about it. A good rouse is to start the conversation like this:

"Them: Hello, what can I do for you today?

You: Oh hi, I was just calling to ask if there's anything that you need to do to transfer my balance to this new card I'm getting?

Them: Well... may I ask what card that is?

You: Oh, I got the offer in the mail this morning. [Tell them all about the great interest rate and everything. You could even make things up - they won't know].

Them: And you've accepted that offer?

You: I'm just about to, yes.

Them: Well, hang on... we might be able to offer you a better rate on the card you've got..."

The trick is in getting the company to think you're just another fool who responds blindly to advertising, and they're in danger of losing you as a customer. Don't whine about how you're such a good customer - they already know what kind of customer you are, but they definitely want you to stay their customer.

A fun alternative is to phone your current company, get an offer from them, and then phone around more and try to get them to beat it. Once it's beaten, call your company back and let them know.

Drive a hard bargain, and be prepared to walk away (well, hang up). If you turn down their so-called ‘best offer', hang up and wait half an hour, there's a good chance that you'll get a call offering you a better one!

It isn't just on credit card companies that these tricks get results. It works because it costs a company so much to get a new customer (the ‘cost of acquisition'), and so it's cheaper for them to offer you a better deal, just to keep you. Try it with your Internet Service Provider (ISP) sometime.

My Boyfriend Is Ignoring Me - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

My Boyfriend Is Ignoring Me Dear Agony Aunt:

I have a relationship problem.

Everything was fine with me and the guy I was with. We weren't together for too long but then one day he stopped answering my calls and even though he lives opposite me he hasn't come to visit in a week. He hasn't been out much with his friends either and I'm so confused.

All I want to do is text him to say he is missing out etc but my pride holds me back as I hate rejection. He is such a nice guy and we were so good together.

Help me and tell me what I should do!

Ignored by my Boyfriend

Dear Ignored:

As you weren't together for very long, you don't know if you're being dumped or if this is a normal habit. Maybe he's ill? Even still, he should call.

If you live opposite him, why not visit him in person? Wait until he's home and go ask him what is the problem? If he's not interested, then leave it.

One thing is for sure, the more you call, text and pester him, the more he'll not respond. Men don't like to be nagged.

Agony Aunt

I Am Not In Love With My Husband - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

I Am Not In Love With My Husband - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I feel like I am the worst person in the world. I am 27, I have a loving husband, I live in a beautiful house, I have a great job, and I have perfect 4-month-old son. My husband and I make a good wage, and I rarely want for anything.
The problem is that I don't think I love my husband any more. Well, let me put that a different way, I love my husband but I am not in love with him. I don't remember a time when I was. We have been together for 4 years, and our relationship has always been more of a friendship.
We go out and do things with each other and have a good time. I can say that he is my best friend, that's why this kills me so much. I feel like I have a life that only people dream of. I can tell you one thing that I wish for every day. I want passion in my relationship, but I don't want it with my husband any more.
The thought of being with him sexually makes my stomach turn. I feel like I would be having sex with my brother. Maybe this is why our sex life is almost nonexistent. The last time we had sex was the night my son was conceived. I feel lost, with no one to talk to.
I really cannot say what has changed other then I feel like something is missing in my life. I have tried to talk to my husband about this with out telling him I don't love him any more. He thinks that the way I feel is his fault and that if he is nicer to me or buys me things that I will be happy again. I have tried to tell him that he has done nothing wrong but he thinks he has. Every time I turn him away, the guilt kills me.
I really hate seeing him sad, and knowing that I am the reason is worse. I feel lost. I have no one to talk to about this because all my friends and family love my husband to death. Every time I try to say something to my mother she always says that he is the best thing ...... read more"

Does My Credit Rating Really Affect Me? - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

Does My Credit Rating Really Affect Me? - My Agony AuntYou might not know it, but every time you take out any kind of loan or credit or pay something back, it gets counted on your credit rating. Who keeps a record on you will vary according to where you live, but the big three credit reference agencies are Experian, Equifax and Trans Union. They will provide your credit rating to any company that is thinking of lending you money.

What is Included in Your Credit Rating.

All the debts you currently have are included in your credit rating. There is a history of all the debts you've had in the past ten years or so, and special emphasis is put on anything that has gone wrong. Defaulting (never paying) on any debt will ruin your credit rating completely. Borrowing a lot before you start paying anything back will make you look like a very bad risk, and so will going all the way up to (or even over) your limit on a credit card.

It is also worth considering that the credit reports of anyone you live with may be linked to your report, and could reflect badly on you - your wife or husband's credit rating is tied to yours quite closely.

How Your Credit Rating is Worked Out.
.. read more

I Had A Fling At Work - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

I Had A Fling At Work - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt.
I have a problem with a work relationship and am very confused. Where do I start?
Seven years ago I had a bit of a fling with a guy that I worked for. I fell madly deeply in love with him. He treated me terribly as I was very young and he was a great deal older. Anyhow after 2 years of sneaking around with this guy I realized that we weren't really going anywhere.
I have since married someone else and had 2 great kids, but I cannot get this other guy out of my head. When I see him, the sexual tension is so obvious that people have often joked about whether there was anything between us. Then we kissed last week - more like got caught in a very heated moment. I knew I would always feel something for this guy, but didn't think he'd ever kiss me again.
I love my husband, but he doesn't light my fire like this other person. I am trying to stay away because my husband is a truly beautiful person, but the attraction with me and the other guy is getting really quite strong. I don't want to lose my husband, but I miss the other person in my life, too.
What should I do?

Dear Sneaking Around
You answered your own question without even knowing it. You said that this other man 'treated me terribly.' Now why would you want to continue with that?
I know it's difficult to continue to work for someone that you've been sleeping with, so if it gets too bad, you could look for work elsewhere. Having this guy out of sight and out of mind should help you move on without him in your life.
As for your husband, I think you should tell him that you want to spice things up in the bedroom. There are many ways to make things better in that area, but if all else fails, try a sex therapist.
Agony Aunt"

My Fiancee Has Run Up Debts.. - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

My Fiancee Has Run Up Debts.. - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I need some relationship advice please. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we have a house together and are due to get married next June.
I have recently discovered that he has run up some debts on credit cards etc. I agreed that as long as he showed willingness to pay the debts back, I would take the money out of the mortgage to pay them off.
He has done nothing. He has also started to get very possessive of me and wanting to know what I am doing and with whom.
Do you have any advice you can offer me?
Engaged

Dear Engaged
My relationship advice to you is to seek our pre-marital counseling in your area.
While you may have been living together for four years, marriage is a different animal. You should also keep in mind that once you are married, what he does financially will affect your credit and the life of your future family.
Pre-marital counseling can be found through most any religious organization or health care clinics. It is vital that you and your boyfriend go into your marriage with a clean slate and expectations and realities faced head on.
If your boyfriend is uninterested in the idea of pre-marital counseling you may want to reconsider marriage. If he is unwilling to work on the relationship and issues that exist now, this is a sign of things to come in your future.
Agony Aunt"

Are Credit Cards A Bad Idea? - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-08T09:40:00.000-07:00

Are Credit Cards A Bad Idea? - My Agony Aunt: Credit cards are just so convenient, aren't they? There's no need to carry any money with you ever again: you can just take one with you to the shop and pay the exact amount just by handing it over. If you haven't been paid yet, then you don't need to worry, because the money will still be there.
When you shop on the Internet or over the phone, it's the only good way to do it - what else are you going to do, post a cheque? Like anything convenient, though, credit cards have a flip side - in fact, they have lots.

Do You Keep Track?

When you walk into that shop and hand over the card, the money is taken from the card, and the card goes back into your wallet. You still have all the things you started with - there's no less money in your purse or wallet to remind you of what you've spent.

Everyone has a tendency to underestimate what they spend, and smaller amounts can add up quickly on a credit card without you even noticing. It's like taking the way phone bills work and applying it to everything you buy - and that can't be a good idea.

You Pay Money For Nothing.

Using credit cards is a great way of losing a percentage of your income to a credit card company in exchange for nothing. The moment you run a balance, you're paying them interest. Not only that, but you're paying your credit card bill as soon as you get your wages, so you don't have the chance to earn any interest on them from your bank. When you think about it, you're losing out twice over - and for what?

Credit Cards Are Designed to Keep You in Debt.

Your credit card companies are trying to keep you using them and paying interest. You will find it very difficult to pay off all your credit cards once you have them. The company will do everything they can to stop you paying before you've paid them lots of interest. The more debt you show you can pay back, the more they'll try to offer you, until they get you to the point where you can't pay.

Should they be called Debt Cards?.

Credit cards are called credit cards to avoid saying what they really are: debt! You will do much better in all things connected to credit cards if you always remember this simple mantra: credit cards are debt cards. Use the word debt as often as you can whenever you talk about credit cards.

But Sometimes You Can't Avoid Them.

When you need money in an emergency and you just don't have any, there's no doubting that credit cards can be useful. They are also a very useful way of proving to credit rating agencies that you can handle debt, and this will be taken into consideration when you apply for car loans or a mortgage.

Just remember that whenever you handle credit cards, you're playing with fire. Do everything you can to keep your use of them to a minimum, and you'll have a much better financial life.

My Boyfriend Works With His Ex - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

My Boyfriend Works With His Ex - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I need some relationship advice please; my boyfriend works with his ex-girlfriend.
They had been together for two years. They broke up last December, and it seems she has never gotten over it.
She constantly contacts him. She claims no one knows her like him. He feels obligated to console her when she needs consoling. I was upset that they work together, but I thought if he truly wanted her he would be with her, and not me.
I have been having a hard time at home and need him to comfort me, but he is too concerned with his ex. She thinks she has breast cancer. She has found a lump, but it has not been confirmed.
I understand her fear, but it's the fact that he is more worried about her that is bothering me. I'm feeling really depressed to the brink of doing something stupid to stop hurting.
Please advise me I know it's selfish to not want him to worry about her.
Hurting

Dear Hurting
My advice to you is to step back from the relationship for a while. That may not sound like a good solution to you, but it is clear that your boyfriend still has unresolved feelings for this woman.
Give him space and observe what he does. If he doesn't come around, you should forget about him. This relationship is causing a major emotional crisis in your life. It is not selfish to be concerned about the amount of time your boyfriend spends with his ex, whatever the reason may be.
In fact, it would be stupid not to be concerned. Take off the rose colored glasses and see things for what they are. Tell your boyfriend that you want to take a break until this matter with his ex is resolved. If you can't get through this time alone, seek counseling.
Open Your Eyes"

My Boyfriend Cheated On Me - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

My Boyfriend Cheated On Me - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I need some relationship advice, recently I found out my boyfriend of eight years has cheated on me on a stag weekend. He took her phone number and swapped text messages with her up until I found out.
He says it was a stupid thing and regrets it. He says it was the drinking and thrill that made him do it.
We live together and I haven't thrown him out as I love him very much. But, I can't see myself ever trusting him again. He says time will heal and he will make it up to me, but I don't know. Please help.
I am not sleeping much and I am very depressed.
Living with a Cheater

Dear Living with a Cheater
Eight years is a very long time to live with someone. Your boyfriend has violated the relationship in the worst way.
While he may put the cheating off on the drinking, he still had contact with this woman and only ceased communication once he was discovered by you.
Of course you still love him, but you should think seriously about your future. Many couples have faced this crisis and were able to rebuild their relationship. But, many hurt individuals are unable to move on with this cloud hanging over their life.
Only you know if your boyfriend is worth the effort. But, proceed with caution.
You are setting a precedent for the future. He should not think he has gotten away with this with only minimal consequences. If he does, he may cheat again.
Best To You
Agony Aunt "

My husband is seeing another women - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-04T15:19:00.000-07:00

My husband is seeing another women - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
My husband left me a year ago. He has been seeing another woman ever since.
He says the relationship with her didn't start until two weeks after we split up. I've been to hell and back including two suicide attempts. I'm now under the care of a doctor for depression, and although I no longer feel so desperate, I still have very bad days. I still love my husband and I can't accept the fact that he is with another woman.
We have two small children and he keeps suggesting they meet her, but I just can't agree. I have never stopped him seeing the children, but I am frightened that he will introduce her to our boys without my consent and this will drive me over the edge. My children have already seen me fall apart; I don't want them to witness it all over again. My husband is hinting at moving in with this woman. This is really too much for me to cope with.
Help

Dear Help
The first thing you should do is contact an attorney and file for a divorce.
The second thing you should do is realize that keeping your children from meeting this woman will not stop your husband from being with her. You are just putting off facing reality.
You need to arrange to have in depth therapy to help you cope with the changes that have taken place in your life this last year.
In the UK your GP will be able to arrange for you to have 6 sessions with a counselor for free.
Once you feel more in control, you will be able to take charge of your life and not be blown around like a leaf on the wind by what your husband is--or is not--doing.
You have two children to raise.
Get the help you need so you can give them a strong mother to lean on.

Face Reality"

I Love Two Men - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

I Love Two Men - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I broke up with my boyfriend of five years about a year ago. I still keep in contact with him, and he says he hasn't had another girlfriend or slept with another girl since me.
Since this break-up I have met a new man and have a baby with him, it wasn't planned. My ex is a good guy, just very possessive. He claims he still loves me. When I met my current boyfriend, he had lots of porn, which I didn't agree with. He got rid of it for me. But, I sometimes catch him looking at other women. I have confronted him about this, and he says he doesn't mean to, and that he loves me.
I have cheated on all my boyfriends, including my ex and my current boyfriend. In fact, I have slept with my ex behind my current boyfriends back. I also kiss other men. I don't think my current boyfriend loves me as much as my ex does.
I also think I am a little selfish and I am in love with both of them.
What should I do?
Confused

Dear Confused

I think you should be more concerned with figuring out who you are, instead of who loves you the most.
Your history of unfaithfulness leads me to believe you may have a problem with self-esteem and commitment. You have a child now, so play time is over.
My advice would be to cut romantic ties with all men for a while. You need to get in touch with who you are and what you want out of life. I am sure you don't want to be bouncing from man to man for the next 30 or 40 years.
It is unrealistic to cut the relationship entirely off with the father of your child, however you need to quit playing with him. Also, you can't truly condemn him for looking at other women when you are doing far more than that with other men.
It's Time To Grow Up
Agony Aunt"

I Love Two Men - My Agony Aunt

2005-08-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

Letters - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

Why Can't I Commit to Any RelationshipsDear Agony Aunt

I feel I have a problem with relationships.

I get one and I am over the moon, but I can't seem to commit.

I recently started dating a girl for two months. Just as the relationship was getting good, another girl caught my eye.

I'm not saying I cheat, or have ever been tempted to cheat. But, this girl has caught my eye and I feel something strong. I see her around college and often make an attempt to walk where she is walking, just to make eye contact.

This isn't the first time I've done this kind of thing either. I become besotted with someone, start a relationship then I fall for somebody else. Is this natural or a psychological problem? I have it in my head that I want to commit to a girl and fall in love, but feel I can't really do it. What do you suggest?

Wanting To Commit

Dear Wanting to Commit

Just from what you have told me, I think you are in love with the idea of being in love.

You can't make yourself commit and fall "in love" if the match simply isn't there.

No matter how attractive or sweet a girl may be, your heart knows if it's the real thing, or not. This could explain why you are so easily distracted by someone else. You simply haven't found the "one" yet.

My advice to you would be to date around, do not get into a committed relationship and just see what happens. When you stop worrying and learn to relax, the right girl might pop up out of nowhere. Believe me; you will know her when you find her.

Love Will Find You

Agony Aunt

My Dad Died and I Can't Cope - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-27T13:29:00.000-07:00

My Dad Died and I Can't Cope - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
My father died in May, and I am finding it difficult to cope. He was only 67 and had no health problems.
He went to have a nap and did not wake up. It was a huge shock. I was there trying to resuscitate him, and that image doesn't leave my mind. I am also worried about my mother. She and my dad were together 40 years. I am 33 and I am married with kids.
Everyone seems to want life to go back to normal, but how can it?
Missing Dad

Dear Missing Dad
I am sorry to hear about your Dad.
People do not realize the finality of death until they are the ones who are grieving. It is only natural you (and everyone) wish for things to return to the way they were. Things won't ever be the same, but that doesn't mean you still do not have a life. The day your father died will always stay with you.
As time passes you will find you are able to remember your dad for the person he was and not just focus on the day of his death. I would encourage you and your mother to visit a few support groups.
You would be surprised how comforting it is to hear other grieving people tell how they are doing and how they cope. You will also find that what you are feeling is part of the grieving process.
Good Luck
Agony Aunt "

Make Your Wedding a Stress Free Day - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

Make Your Wedding a Stress Free Day - My Agony Aunt: "Your wedding day is supposed to be the most memorable day of your life, one you will remember forever as a day of enjoyment.

To many relationships are put under enormous stress before they even get to the wedding day.

Whose Day Is It?
Remember this is your wedding so the day should be about what you and your partner want. It is impossible to please everyone when organizing a wedding so don't try. Please the two most important people, yourself and your partner. If you really want to avoid upsetting people try compromising with them over some details of the wedding.

Planning
Start planning right away. Use a folder/exercise book/index cards or a computer program to list everything you can think of relative to your wedding -and don't forget the honeymoon. List dates when jobs need to be completed by and check them off once done. Keep a record of everything -deposits, receipts, phone calls and written confirmation of any bookings.

Budget
Work out a budget for your wedding and once set try not to exceed it by more than the smallest of margins. Wedding costs have a habit of blowing out of proportion. If you find it hard to keep under budget look for areas where you can economize. Could you borrow a friend's car instead of hiring one? A wedding doesn't need to expensive to be wonderful.

Share the Workload
Once you have a list of everything that needs to be done before the wedding day, enlist all the help and support you can. Ask your attendants, family and close friends to help with various tasks. People love a wedding and love to be involved so let them.

Problems
Keep problems in proportion. It is not worth upsetting yourself, and everyone else, over minor details. If the bridesmaids' shoes are one shade lighter in color than you wanted it isn't the end of the world. Learn some relaxation techniques or have a soothing massage if it all gets too much.

Enjoy the lead up
The time leading up to your wedding is a very special time but it will go very quickly. Don't spend it going crazy over wedding preparations or arguing with everyone within your radius. Don't say things you may later regret. If you feel yourself losing your cool walk away for a while and calm down.

Take Time Out
Each week take time out with your partner and agree not to mention the word 'wedding' or anything related to weddings. Chill out with a good bottle of wine, a tasty meal and each other's company.

The Big Day
Finally enjoy every moment of your wedding day. It may come along but once in your lifetime so savor every moment of it.
"

He wants a more serious relationship - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

He wants a more serious relationship - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I need some relationship advice please, I was in a two-month relationship that ended seven months ago. One night my boyfriend said he wanted something more serious.
I didn't say anything because I wasn't expecting it. The next morning he ignored me. When I asked what was wrong, he said he couldn't cope with our relationship and wanted it to end. He was very upset, too. He has been hurt before and is in the process of getting a divorce. He has two children and his wife left him for another man.
I went to stay with friends. Since then we have not had much contact. I feel as though he is avoiding me, though he claims he is not. When I do see him, he acts as if nothing happened between us.
He told my mate he would like to talk with me, but I keep him bottled out. I don't know if he wants to contact me because he is feeling guilty, or what. I am worried I will get angry with him if he doesn't trust me.
He seemed to get angry a lot when I went out with friends when we were together. I seem to just get angry at him instead of showing him how much I care about him. Is there any hope for us? Can he ever trust me?

Angry All The Time

Dear Angry All The Time

It appears to me when you didn't reply to his statement regarding his desire for a more serious relationship, your ex cut all ties with you to protect his already pained heart. It is only natural that a person who has been left by their spouse would have some trust issues. If you want to rekindle your relationship, you can make the first move. However, I wouldn't advise this unless you are willing to be understanding about his past experience and how it has affected his life as a whole. This man has lost his wife and children. He doesn't need to be jerked around by anyone else. If you can't deal with, leave it be.

Be Wise

Agony Aunt"

My husband looks at Porn. - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

My husband looks at Porn. - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I have been married for 10 years. I thought we were both happy. I recently found out my husband has been looking at naked pictures of women on the internet. Why do men need to do these things?
He says he loves me and it is not important. But, I am hurt.
Hurt

Dear Hurt
Your husband probably is very happy with you. Men are visual creatures, and with the easy access to the Internet, they can find much to look at!
I am not saying it is right, but you must understand that it probably truly has nothing to do with you. Now that he is aware you know what he has been doing, I hope his behavior stops.
If it does not, you can let him know you do not approve and you do take it personally.
Porn addiction can beset an individual quickly and I hope your husband doesn't fall into that category. Some people look at this situation as emotional adultery.
Others do not. Only you know how you feel. Your partner should respect your wishes.
Keep Your Chin Up
Agony Aunt"

I need excitement - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

I need excitement - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I need some relationship advice; recently I have been having doubts about my relationship.
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and we moved in together in January of this year. I love him very much, but I am starting to get a bit board. I feel like we have become chums and I don't feel sexual desire for him. I have been telling myself that everything will be okay, but last weekend I saw an old friend and sparks were flying. I am now in total turmoil as I really want to see this new person again, but I do not want to hurt anyone. My boyfriend is Mr. Dependable and would never hurt me. I am flighty and need excitement, which I no longer feel in this relationship. Please help me as I am not sure this new man is clouding my judgment.
Needs Excitement

Dear Needs Excitement
You have one of two options. The first is to dedicate yourself to your boyfriend and do everything within your power to liven things up. You should look at things from his perspective, as well. Perhaps he is as bored with you as you are with him? It takes two to keep a relationship alive with excitement. Also, you should realize that the butterflies do eventually pass in all relationships. That is when true love and deep bonds are made between a couple.
Your other option is to let your boyfriend go before you truly damage his emotions. If you think your need for excitement is stronger than your love for him, you should cut him loose. You should not do this and then ask him back into the relationship, later. That is wrong. Only cut ties with him when you are certain.
Best of Luck
Agony Aunt"

Am I being Abused? - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

Am I being Abused? - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I have been messing around with this older man for about 5 months. He is 31 and I am 16. A big mistake, I know that now!
I've told him some pretty bad stuff, like I am on drugs and that I'm going to have sex with someone I like who I've only known for a few weeks. He is very controlling and I say stuff to wind him up.
This is another big mistake.
I've told him I am lying because I feel trapped, but he doesn't believe me. Recently he has hit me badly, bruising my lip and scarring my face. Tonight he grabbed me around the throat violently and pressed his head against mine.
He said it's because of what I say, but I don't think he has the right to touch me in that way, no matter what I saw. What do you think?
Am I Being Abused?

Dear Abused-
Yes, you are being abused. This man is manipulating you and your emotions , making you feel you are to blame for his angry and violent outbursts.
This is the typical pattern of an abuser.
You are far too young to be involved with a man this age, let alone a man who has the characteristics of being a 'beater.' You are not equipped with the knowledge and maturity to see him for what he is.
You should break all ties with this man. If you are scared of him, you should seek the help of an adult or law enforcement official in your area. This man should face some jail time for becoming sexually involved with you and for abusing you physically. You are still a child in the eyes of the law, and this man has crossed the line. Remember, regardless of your age, no one has the right to hit, strangle or hurt you. Seek help for your drug use.
Agony Aunt"

My Parents are divorced and I can't cope - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

My Parents are divorced and I can't cope - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I have been in college for nearly a year now. This work isn't hard but the exams are. I don't struggle, but I have two parents that are split up.
They are always at each other. Everything seems to be my fault. I seem to get on with people, though. I am a very nice person. I wouldn't hurt anyone, but they hurt me. My girls and I have been arguing lately because I am so moody. I don't know why I'm so moody. I think I am suffering from a mental breakdown. I can't remember silly things--like my girlfriends dogs name. Could you help me please? I don't know if I'm having a mental breakdown or not? I've been really short tempered lately.
Short Tempered

Dear Short Tempered
It sounds to me you are going through a grieving process. You don't have to bury someone to go through grief. The emotions of grief can arise when you move, or when there has been a change in your relationships. You quite possibly could be grieving your parent's marriage, and the family unit you once were.
This would explain the moodiness, and self-blame. Many times when people experience grief, it leaves them drained of most other emotions . . . except anger. This could explain why you can't remember small things. Your brain simply does not have the power to store it right now. It is too busy working through the change in your family structure. Many people who are going through the grieving process think they are losing their minds.
My advice to you is to go to a counselor on campus. Discuss with them exactly what you have told me. I am sure they can give you the tools and guidance necessary to see you over this rough patch.
Good Luck-
Agony Aunt"

Why don't I trust her? - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

Why don't I trust her? - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I need some relationship advice , I have been going out with a woman of my dreams for over a year and a half. I just do not know how to totally trust her, because the last time I trusted a woman we were engaged and she cheated on me. It took me some time to get over her, but that was about eight years ago. All I want to do is find a way in which I can give her my trust because I have imagined that in the future we will have a family together and I do not want to loose her.

Can't Trust

Dear Can't Trust
Getting hurt once in a serious relationship will make people shy of trusting again. You seem smart enough to understand this woman is not your ex. You should give this new woman a chance to show you she can be trusted, instead of assuming she cannot. This doesn't mean you are not watchful, for you probably always will be. However, you shouldn't assume the worst of her and make distrust a part of your relationship.
I am sure your new woman has issues of her own.
She has probably been in relationships and gotten hurt in the past, as well. You would not like it if she perceived you on how others treated her in her past. You would wish for her to judge you on your own merit, correct?

What you should do is file the lessons you have learned and do not forget them. Yet you need to also open yourself up to this woman and tell her how you are feeling.
The only thing that will reassure you is time. There is no special test you can give her to prove to you she is 'totally' trustworthy. Please don't let your past rob you of a beautiful future.
Best to You
Agony Aunt"

Is Identity Theft real? - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

Is Identity Theft real? - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt

I keep reading about Identity theft and credit card fraud and how we should all be scared of everything and everyone.

Do I really need to be worried or is it all just hype to sell us more insurance and more products?

I am sceptical

Dear Sceptical

Identity theft is a real crime and is the fastest growing crime anywhere.

As credit card companies become more sophisticated and are having greater success with tracing fake credit cards the criminal masterminds are moving towards Identity theft as a new money maker.

They steal your identity and then get genuine credit cards, loans even mortgages set up in your name .
They max out the cards, never pay the loans and then disappear, when the banks go looking for someone to pay they find you!

Before you panic and go and hide under the stairs, there are some things you can do to protect yourself.

Shred paperwork - most identity theft is done with information obtained from 'dumpster diving' . The thieves use all your junk mail and personal letters.
Leave things at home - do you really need to carry your social security/national insurance card with you everywhere? if your purse gets stolen with these in there then the thieve has a good start on the identity theft road.
Don't give private information to anyone who doesn't need it, does the man who is doing a survey really need your Social Security/National Insurance number?
Don't just dump receipts, they may have your credit card/debit card number on.
Identity theft is still a very new crime but as the criminals get more sophisticated the crime rates will rise.

To learn more about identity theft go to our Identity Theft Advice site . "

Mortgage advice needed please - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-08T12:37:00.000-07:00

Mortgage advice needed please - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt

I need some mortgage advice please, I want to buy a house but I just don't understand mortgages.

There are so many options it is all confusing, I don't know if I want a fixed rate mortgage, a variable rate mortgage or a mixture of both types of mortgage.

Please help with my mortgage dilema.

Dear Mortgage Madness

I really do understand your feelings, having recently been through a similar situation.
There are many many types of mortgage available to you, finding the right mortgage is imperative as buying a house will probably be the biggest purchase of your life and it is worth doing some research before you tie your self to any deal.

Take the time to go and see your bank and ask them for information about mortgage rates and the different types of mortgage they have available to you.

Pay off as much debt as you possibly can each month, less debt = more money to spend on your house.
Save money, the costs of buying a house are much higher than you would believe.
Be honest about what you can afford each month for repayments.
Borrow as little as possible, every � or $ you borrow costs you �2 or $2 to pay back over the life of the mortgage

Visit my Mortgage Information site, it is full of useful links.

Lastly, don't be tempted to over spend, no point getting a mortgage that you can't afford.

Happy house hunting

Agony Aunt"

Mortgage confusion - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

Mortgage confusion - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt

I need some mortgage advice please, I want to buy a house but I just don't understand mortgages.
There are so many options it is all confusing and I don't trust the mortgage advisor, he earns commission so he will just sell me what is best for him won't he?

Please help with my mortgage madness.

Dear Mortgage Madness

I really do understand your feelings, having recently been through a similar situation.

My first piece of advice would be to pay off as much debt as you possibly can each month, less debt = more money for your house.

Save money, the costs of buying a house are much higher than you would believe.

Visit my Mortgage Information site, it is full of useful links.

Lastly, don't be tempted to over spend, no point getting a mortgage that you can't afford.

Happy house hunting

Agony Aunt"

Why do I shout at her? - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

Why do I shout at her? - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt

I need some relationship advice please, I'm a 16 year old boy and I am in a relationship with a girl I love very much but for some reason I can't control my temper with her.
When we argue I shout and I say the most horrible things to her which I dont really mean.
I'm so scared that one day I will go to too far and possibly hit her.
I know if i did I wouldn't be doing it on purpose but I just can't control my temper.
What should i do?

Dear 'temper '

There must be a underlying reason why you can not control yourself, and what makes you think you will hit your girlfriend?
Do you come from a home where arguments often end up in arguments? Have you seen lots of violence in your life?

You need to learn how to deal with you anger before you hurt someone and end up in prison.

Talk to someone about your anger management issues, talk to your school counsellor or go and see your doctor and ask him to refer you to a counsellor.

You have made the first step in acknowledging you have a anger management problem, now take the next step and do something about it.

Agony Aunt"

My friends are all acting weird - My Agony Aunt

2005-07-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

My friends are all acting weird - My Agony Aunt: Dear Agony Aunt , I need some advice please,
My best friend has been really acting weird. She doesn't want to be friends with me, and I don't know why! I can't talk to her because she always ignores me. My other friend has made up with her, and I feel left out. I've talked to my mum, and she says to stick up for myself. But, it's difficult because I am really scared. I feel like crying, but I don't want my friend to see me that way and feel she has won.

Left Out

Dear Left Out
You may have considered this girl your best friend, but she evidently didn't have such warm feelings for you. Girls can be such snotty people, sometimes. Their friendships and ideals change on a whim. There is no way to even begin to figure out what has made your friend start acting so oddly toward you. It may be something that is happening in her personal life, or she may feel jealous of you for some reason.

When a girl feels threatened by another girl, most do not know how to deal with their feelings. What they do, instead, is to hurt and tear down the other girl. They will talk about another girl behind her back and try to make everyone not like her. By doing this, the girl feels a sense of power. Some girls even go as far as to try and ruin another girl's reputation through slander.

I am sorry you were involved with such an insecure girl. She may look popular and self-assured on the outside, but I can almost guarantee you that on the inside, she is a very insecure and vindictive person. Until she matures, I wouldn't want to resume the friendship. I am sure there are other girls who have fallen victim to this girl's catty way. Befriend those girls and make yourself an entire new circle of friends. When you find someone who is genuine, you will have a better friendship with them.

Good Riddance to the Old Friend-

Agony Aunt

I am in love with two men - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

I am in love with two men - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I am 18 and I need some relationship and dating advice please.
I have been involved with my boyfriend since last October. However, since I have been at the university, I've gotten to know really well the lad who lives in the flat above me. We recently had a big festival at the university. He told me he liked me. I went back to his place. We didn't do anything, but afterward I knew I had feelings for him. I keep thinking about him. I told him I wouldn't cheat, and he respects that.
I also have feelings for my boyfriend, of course. I just feel confused. The lad from the university moved out today. He is in his third year. I spent the whole day with him packing. When he left, I felt a bit lost. I didn't say good-bye to him properly because my friend was with me. I couldn't say what I wanted to. He went to kiss me on the lips, and I wanted to kiss him, too. But, I just turned my face so he could kiss me on the cheek.
My boyfriend at home and I are very comfortable with each other. He would never hurt me. I know his parents and we hang out with the same friends. But, this has totally confused me. I don't know what I feel for my boyfriend anymore, or this university guy. I really miss the university guy now that he has gone. I can't think clearly.
University Girl

You have very strong morals to not be swayed into a physical relationship by the university man while you are in a committed relationship with someone else. I would say you even scored some extra points in the eyes of the university man. You have proven to be a very trustworthy girl.

When people go off to the university, they become new people. You mature. Your horizons and social circles expand. You are introduced to an entirely new world which you did not know before. I am sure your boyfriend is a wonderful man. However, this situation may have opened your eyes up to the fact you just are too young to be in a committed relationship.

I do not know if you will still be in contact with the university man since he has moved. Nevertheless, you should explore your feelings to see if this is the right time in your life to have a boyfriend. Chances are this won't be the only guy who turns your head. Perhaps the best thing you can do is to break it off gently with your boyfriend. This will give you both the chance to see other people. If it is meant to be, you will come together, again.

You appear to be a very upright girl. I'm sure once you have sorted out your feelings you will make the right choice.

Best of Luck-

Agony Aunt

Pre Wedding Jitters, Is this normal? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-29T17:59:00.000-07:00

Pre Wedding Jitters, Is this normal? - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I need some relationship advice please.
I am getting married in three weeks to a man I love and he adores me.
So why am I nervous?

Is this normal or should I be worried?

Please help me
Worried almost wife

Dear 'worried almost wife'

Your wedding is going to be the biggest day of your life, a few nerves are perfectly natural.

I am assuming that you aren't having any real doubts about getting married so,
Take a deep breath , relax and tell your fiancee how much you love him and be honest about your nerves, he is probably as nervous as you are.

I have found a great website for anyone with Pre Wedding Jitters , there are some great articles on there so take the time to have a read.

Congratulations on the forthcoming wedding, enjoy the day and the rest of your life together.

Agony Aunt"

I don't love my husband anymore - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

I don't love my husband anymore - My Agony Aunt: "Agony Aunt,
I need some relationship advice , my husband and I have been married less than a year.
We were together for a long time before we married, he is quite a lot older than me.
I think I have fallen out of love with him. There are no children, so no one to consider apart from us.
I am on the brink of leaving him. I just don't desire or fancy him anymore. When we first met he took quite good care of himself physically but in the last 2 years he has really let himself go.
I manage to avoid sex for weeks at a time with one excuse after another and am now finding reasons to avoid being around him altogether. I am so much happier at work where I am away from him. When we are together he try's so hard and is so loving but all I can do is push him away and I can see it is hurting him and that makes me so sad, I think he deserves someone who will love him back.

To make matters worse I have recently started a new job, I enjoy this job very much and there is a guy there who makes me so happy. It started off so innocently, just coming over to my desk for chats, he would really make me laugh.
He invited me to the cinema one night and believing we were just friends I said yes, we had such a wonderful time and really enjoyed each others company, we laughed all night long. We have since been out together quite a few more times, still just as friends, although I have felt the need to conceal this friendship from my husband.

This guy at work and I have just recently started discussing how I feel about my husband and he is very sympathetic of my situation, he has since told me that he feels a great deal for me and if I decided to leave my husband would be there for me. We had one of our evenings out last week and it ended with us being more than just friends! He has told me he doesn't want to be involved with me on this level while I am still with my husband, he wants me all to himself.

I also want him but don't want to involve him in the breakdown of my marriage. I'm so so confused, I love my husband and really don't want to see him hurt but I know I am no longer in love with him and staying with him just so I don't hurt him makes no sense to me. I feel so guilty but I also feel we married too soon.
Please help I'm going out of my head.

Read the answer

How To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Creeping Debt - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

How To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Creeping Debt - My Agony AuntReducing debt usually isn't a high priority for people until they have already gotten into trouble with overspending. Using a few basic guidelines, and debt calculations, can help you see when your debt load is getting into the danger zone.

Budgeting Guidelines

First off, creditors use budgeting guidelines when reviewing and approving credit. If your debt exceeds the financial communities recommended guidelines, then you have a higher risk of credit applications being denied.

Getting, and keeping, your debt in line with recommended budgeting guidelines, is an important step in debt reduction. Use the following recommended budgeting guidelines (the same ones used by Financial Institutions) to review the items in your budget:

Housing 35% - Mortgage or rent, taxes, repairs, improvements, insurance, and utilities;

Transportation 20% - Monthly payments, gas, oil, repairs, insurance, parking & public transportation;

Debt 15% - Credit cards, personal loans, student loans & other debt payments;

All other expenses 20% - Food, insurance, prescriptions, doctor & dentist bills, clothing & personal;

Investments & Savings 10% - Stocks, bonds, cash reserves, retirement, rental real estate, art, etc.

Debt Income Ratios

The second step is calculating your debt income ratio. Once you know what your ratio is, you will understand just how important debt load is to your overall financial picture. Your debt income ratio is the percent of your monthly take-home pay that goes to paying debts.

You calculate it by taking the amount needed to repay debts each month, including rent or mortgage, and divide by your take-home pay (your net pay after taxes). Remember, this is "Debt" ratio, so only include actual debt repayment in the calculation.

Credit To Debt Ratio

Just because you pay off a credit card is no reason to close your account. One little known fact about the Credit to Debt Ratio is the reverse effect it has on your credit score. If you pay off a credit card, and close the account, you are actually negatively impacting your credit score.

The reason for this negative effect is in the calculation of the Credit to Debt Ratio itself. This ratio is the relationship of your debt total vs. your credit limit.

You calculate it by dividing the total credit limit of all credit cards and loan accounts by the total of the actual debt (spent total). Now, if you pay off a credit card, you are reducing the actual debt, which is great, but, if you close the account, you are also dramatically reducing the credit limit you have, and usually by a higher percentage than the debt reduction.

Pay Yourself First ...... read the rest here

Can Anyone Help restore her faith in human kindness? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

Can Anyone Help restore her faith in human kindness? - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt
I have a wonderful friend, who I used to work with over 20 years ago.
Over the last 3 years, it has come to light that her husband had been beating her up and took out a second mortgage on the married home without her knowing.
After many legal wrangles, she has managed to keep her home, but has a 30-something thousand pound debt to pay off. This means she is a present working in 4 jobs; scrubbing floors, etc.
With two teenagers to support (although one has just joined the Army), a house and garden left devastated by a vengeful ex-husband, and other problems, she is understandably exhausted, both mentally and physically.
Is there some sort of charitable or church trust which could help re-decorate her house, or even just tidy it up a bit, in order to give her back some pride and faith in the human race?

Worried Friend

Dear Worried Friend
I wasn't sure which section to put this in but I wanted to make sure it was published.

This lady is lucky to have a friend as good you.
Why not get together with a few of your other friends and start working on her garden.
Go and speak to your local Boy scouts group, they may be abel to help as a project.

If you really want to help you will find a way to get some people together to start this project.
Why not make it a bbq day, so that the people who come and help get a meal in the evening, sort of a gardening party?

There is life after a violent relationship and your friends life will get better.
As far as her financial problems go, I would suggest she looks at eBay , she could make good money selling of treasures (junk) from around her home.

For more help on this go to ebay Advice.

Good luck in your task, and a pat on the back for being such a good friend.

Agony Aunt

Private Mortgage Insurance Doesn't Protect Homeowners - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

Private Mortgage Insurance Doesn't Protect Homeowners - My Agony AuntIf you borrowed more than 80% of the appraised value of you home, you're probably paying private mortgage insurance (PMI). PMI that is not lender paid is a waste of money. If you default on your mortgage, the private mortgage insurance provider will pay the lender, but you still would lose your home. PMI do not offer you any benefits whatsoever. PMI payments aren't even tax-deductible.

PMI increases your effective mortgage interest rate. On a $100,000 loan with 10 percent down ($10,000), PMI would cost you $43 a month. If you can cancel the PMI, you can save $516 a year and many thousands of dollars over the course of the loan. If your down payment was less, the cost of your PMI will be greater. If your down payment was 5%, ($5,000), your PMI expense would cost you $780 a year or $65 a month. Check your annual escrow account statement or call your lender to find out exactly how much PMI is costing you each year.

When you purchase a home and put down less than 20 percent down, most lenders will require you to purchase PMI. You are purchasing insurance to protect the lender if you default on the loan. The Homeowners Protection Act of 1998 establishes rules for automatic termination and borrower cancellation of PMI on home mortgages. These protections apply to certain home mortgages signed on or after July 29, 1999 for the purchase, initial construction, or refinance of a single-family home. These protections do not apply to government-insured FHA or VA loans or to loans with lender-paid PMI.

New borrowers covered by the law must be told, at closing and once a year, about PMI termination and cancellation. Mortgage providers must provide a telephone number for all their mortgage borrowers to call for information about termination and cancellation of PMI.

Even though the law's termination and cancellation rights do not cover loans that were signed before July 29, 1999, or loans with lender-paid PMI signed on any date, lenders or mortgage providers must tell all borrowers about the termination or cancellation rights they may otherwise have under those loans (such as rights established by the contract or state law).

The following applies for home mortgages signed on or after July 29, 1999. Your PMI must - with certain exceptions - be terminated automatically when you reach 22 percent equity in your home based on the original property value, if your mortgage payments are current. Your PMI also can be canceled, when you request - with certain exceptions - when you reach 20 percent equity in your home based on the original property value, if your mortgage payments are current.

One exception is if your loan is high-risk. A cash-out refinancing would be considered high-risk. Another is if you have not been current on your payments within the year prior to the time for termination or cancellation. A third is if you have other liens on your property. For these loans, your PMI may continue. Ask your lender or mortgage provider (the company that collects your payments) for more information about these requirements.

The following applies for home mortgage signed before July 29, 1999.

You can ask to have the PMI canceled once you exceed 20 percent equity in your home. But federal law does not require your lender or mortgage service provider to cancel the insurance.

Some states may have laws that apply to early termination or cancellation of PMI - even if you signed your mortgage before July 29, 1999. Call your state consumer protection agency for more information about your state's rules. Contact your lender or mortgage provider to learn whether you're paying PMI. If you are, ask how and when it can be terminated or canceled. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which buy home mortgages from lenders, also may have guidelines affecting termination or cancellation of PMI on home mortgages signed before July 29, 1999. Check with your lender or call Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, for more information.

Should I marry this man? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

Should I marry this man? - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt,
I need some relationship advice please.
I am in my 20's and have been in a relationship for 2 years , I am in love with him but there is one thing that I am not happy with.
He is always on line chatting to other girls and meeting them.
The other day he took me to a local town because he said that he wanted to meet a 16 year old girl he met on line, he met her and they went off together before telling me that he Love's me.

When we met up he told me what happened, he said that they when to a park where they hid in some bushes, they kissed and she performed a sex act on him.
I was not happy.
He also said that he did tell her about me which I found out to be true since he wanted to say good bye to before we left and for me to see her.
On the way home he told me that after meeting her he no longer wants to meet any other girls on line he is happy with seeing her, I was very up set about this.
I hopped that I would be the one to stop his habit not a 16 year old. All the way home he would not stop talking about her.
The day after he miss took a text from her he thought that she wanted to meet him today so he gone ready to go, but later found out that she wanted to meet him on Monday. I told him that we can go out some where but he said that he did not feeling like it and went to bed. He was all up to going to Stoke on Trent to meet his 16 year old but not go out with me.

I did tell him how I felt but he just took it as I don't want him to make any friends which is not true, we are planning to be married in a few months time and he said he is going to continue seeing her even after we are married.
I don't know what to do can you help me.

Should I get married to this man

Dear "should I get married"

There is no way that this man is ready to get married, if he is so turned on by 16 year olds he should be on a list somewhere with the police.

This man is emotionally immature and definitely not the man who you want to marry.
He has told you that he will not change his ways , so why are you still with him?

My advice would be to leave him now before you are married with children and he runs off with some young women.

You deserve to be with someone who is honest and trustworthy, which this man isn't.
His behaviour also makes me wonder if children are safe to be around him, lets be honest a 16 year old is still a child and he is a sexual predator and our children should be protected from men like him.

He won't change and you deserve better.

Leave him now, that's my relationship advice

Agony Aunt

Fight Stress and Anxiety naturally - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

Fight Stress and Anxiety naturally - My Agony AuntDo you suffer from stress at work or at home? Ever had anxiety attacks?

Rhodiola Rosea is the latest natural remedy to join the arsenal of natural anxiety and stress reducers.

Rhodiola Rosea, also known as Golden Root, is a native plant of arctic Siberia. For centuries it has been used by eastern European and Asian cultures for physical endurance, work productivity, longevity, resistance to high altitude sickness, and to treat fatigue, depression, anemia, impotence, gastrointestinal ailments, infections, and nervous system disorders.

The first recorded medicinal applications of rodia riza (renamed Rhodiola Rosea) was made by the Greek physician, Dioscorides, in 77 C.E. in 'De Materia Medica'. Rhodiola Rosea has been included in official Russian medicine since 1969.

Despite its long history, the Western world has only recently become aware of the health benefits of Rhodiola Rosea. It has come to the attention of many natural health practitioners because of studies which tested its affects on combating anxiety and stress.

Rhodiola Rosea is considered an adaptogen. This means it has an overall stabilizing effect on the body without disrupting other functions. Its ability to normalize hormones may be effective for treating depression and anxiety.

Studies of Rhodiola Rosea show that it stimulates neurotransmitters and enhances their effects on the brain. This includes the ability for the brain to process serotonin which helps the body to adapt to stress.

Since adaptogens improve the body's overall ability to handle stress, it has been studied to identify it's effects on biological, chemical and physical stress.

A study was performed to test the effects of Rhodiola Rosea when stress is caused by intense mental work (such as final exams). Such tests concluded that using Rhodiola Rosea improved the amount and quality of work, increasing mental clarity and reducing the effects of fatigue.

The effects of Rhodiola Rosea have also been tested on stress and anxiety from both physical and emotional sources. A report by the American Botanical Council states that "Most users find that it improves their mood, energy level, and mental clarity." They also report on a study that indicated Rhodiola Rosea could increase stress tolerance while at the same time protecting the brain and heart from the physical affects of stress.

This report included details of studies which highlight the overall health benefits of Rhodiola Rosea.

The generally recommended dose is 200-600mg/day. The active properties should be a minimum 0.8 percent salidroside and 3 percent rosavin.

It is important for consumers to know that Rhodiola may be sold using other species that do not share the properties of Rhodiola Rosea, or at ineffective strengths for treatment. Anyone with depression or anxiety should also check with a health professional when treating these symptoms.

Why is my relationship with my parents so bad? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

Why is my relationship with my parents so bad? - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I need some relationship advice please, I am a 26 year old divorcee with two small children. One of which had speech/language and behavior/learning difficulties. Ever since I came into my early 20's, I noticed my older sister of six years would always get more emotional and financial support from my parents than I did. My parents always explained she was more sensitive and emotionally vulnerable than I, and that they sometimes feel forced into helping her. They even thought she might do something to hurt herself. I have always been seen as the strong one if the family, when truly I wasn't strong at all. How can I turn to my family when they always expect me to cope with things? I'm tire dof always being emotionally discarded because I don't show my tears when I'm sad.
Last year my marriage broke down due to support difficulties with my special needs son. Just last week I had to have two cervical biopsies for possible cancerous cells. I feel alone. I love my sons to bits and world revolves around them. I cannot understand why my parents aren't here for me. My sister fell out with her boyfriend last year and my parents sent her tickets to join them abroad with her child. I can feel the tension building. I'm waiting for my biopsy results. All I feel like doing is crying and I wish my parents loved me enough to be here.
Emotionally Discarded

Dear Emotionally Discarded

No wonder you are depressed and cry all the time. You are going through a scary time medically with your health, you are newly divorced and you have a child with special needs. What you are feeling is normal.
How can your parents be there to help you if you don't allow them to see your pain? That doesn't mean you have to take on the behavior of your sister, but you can let them know in your own way they are needed during this difficult time. You can't blame them for things they are unaware of. You said yourself you have always been perceived as the strong one. You cannot let this go on. You probably are stronger than you give yourself credit for, but we all need support at times.
If you just brush off inquires made by your parents, how are they to know how deeply you need them? When you talk to them on the phone, are you putting on a brave face? That simply will not do. You can't resent them for not being mind readers. I'm sure they would love to swoop down and help at this time, but if you are sending out signals you don't want their help, you have backed yourself into a corner.

Take the plunge. Reach out through a letter, or phone conversation and tell your parents you need them. With everything going on in your life, please don't direct your sadness and anger at life's disappointments at them. I'm sure they would be there in a moments notice if they knew your need. It takes two to communicate.

Reach out

Agony Aunt

Why can't I commit to this Relationship? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

Why can't I commit to this Relationship? - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
I need some dating advice please, I am a young woman currently involved in a relationship with a guy for a few months. This is quite a long time for me, as I haven't really had any long term relationships. This guy is nice and social, and my friends like him very much. I really liked him at first, we had quite a bit in common and could have the greatest conversations. But there seems to be something wrong, now. We are spending less time together because of our busy schedules. When I do see him, I feel uneasy, and even disgusted. I have no idea why. I even avoid him if I spot him and I only stop to talk when he spots me and calls me. I think I have some feelings for him, but I'm not even sure about anything, anymore. He really hasn't done anything in particular. He doesn't even seem to feel that anything is wrong, but I do. The only thing I know for sure that bothers me is that I feel he doesn't make the effort to keep himself looking attractive to me, like I do for him. I'm a girl who dresses.
What do I do? I would really like to be able to salvage this relationship. I think I still like him, and I don't want another failed relationship. Please help, you're the only one I felt I could talk to.

Doomed to Fail

Dear Doomed to Fail
It seems to me you may have developed a pattern to avoid being in a long term relationship. Many people sabotage themselves and do not even know they are doing this. Could it possibly be this is what is happening with you? You did not state how old you are, so I am not perfectly sure on how to advise you.
You should never stay in a relationship for the sake of having someone around, or to just feel part of something, no matter how old you are. The partner in your relationship deserves more respect than that. However, if you think you are picking your partner apart out of some emotional need to stay unattached, you may want to dig deep into yourself to discover why. Are you scared of commitment? Do you fear letting someone else truly know who you are? This problem you are having may have nothing at all to do with your partner.

Unless you partner is completely unhygienic with bad breath and body odor, you should quit worrying about his appearance. Accept him for who he is. Males are not like females. They can pick up a shirt off the floor that has laid there for a week and not think a thing about it. It is no reflection to you. Also, he may not have the money to "dress" like you would like. Are you with him because of his clothes, or because you care about him?

If you are a young person, say high school or young college student, you may simply not be ready for a long term commitment. If you are older, say 25+, you may want to delve into why you have trouble committing.

Best of Luck

Agony Aunt

My Ex has Reappeared, Now What? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

My Ex has Reappeared, Now What? - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt
I am not sure whether it is dating advice or relatiosnhip advice I need..
5 years ago I was in love with a gorgeous man but we were at different stages in our lives, he wanted to travel I wanted to settle down.
We broke up even though we didn't want to and he went off to Europe. I had a couple of postcards but never really heard much more from him.
It broke my heart, a year later I met someone fell in love, got married had a baby.
We were happy, my husband is a good man, a great provider and a brilliant father. The trouble is recently, my ex came back to our home town he was gutted to find out I was married with a baby, but all the old feelings came back, we still have so much chemistry together, I don't think I ever stopped loving him.
We haven't slept together, but it has made me question my marriage. I don't think I was ever in love with my husband, I just care for him.
All I want to do is be with my ex, but I'd hurt so many people by doing that, but I am deeply unhappy. My ex says he wants to be with me and he adores my baby but how can I break up a family.
I really don't know what to do, please help!

Worried about feelings

Dear Worried

Only in the films do these sort of situations end up happily every after.
Your ex has had his fun traveling and seeing the world and was happy enough to leave you behind 5 years ago.
How can you be 100% sure he won't do it again, and 2 postcards in 5 years doesnt exactly say he was thinking of you while he was away does it?

You need to make a choice, either cut all contact with your ex and move on with your marriage. Go for relationship counselling if you feel their is something missing from your marriage, talk to your husband about how you feel.

Or

Think long and hard about leaving your husband.

It is easy for your ex to say he loves your baby, but will he be there for you and your baby during not just the divorce process but forever? Is this love or just a infatuation which seems exciting in comparison to the day to day family existence.

Think long and hard before you break up a family for a man who has not really shown much consistancy.

Good luck in whatever choice you make.

Agony Aunt

Iron and Your Heart Health - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

Iron and Your Heart Health - My Agony AuntA ranch house, a zip lock bag and some ordinary flour

Two experiments:

1)Some ordinary wheat flour such as can be found in most homes placed with some water in a zip-lock plastic bag. A magnet is passed over the bag and an extraordinary thing happens - Iron particles start popping out and attaching themselves to the side of the bag, forming clusters of what looked like iron filings.

2) The next experiment involves placing a well-known brand of cereal into a bowl of water. The magnet is again passed over the bowl this time and the flakes literally line up and follow the magnet round the bowl.

This is the first time I realized that there is so much added iron in the food that we eat and the effect it can have on our health.

We've all been told that heart attacks and heart bypass surgery are as a direct result of clogging or furring of our arteries by ‘bad cholesterol'. The arteries become so narrowed as to make the blood flow through the arteries very difficult thus placing enormous strains on the cardio-vascular system.

Why do we need chelators and what are they?
A few trace metals that we absorb are toxic, these include iron and lead

To make use of them our bodies must form chelates (key-lates) out of them, and to do this requires chelating substances

Chelating substances attach to desirable trace metals and allow the body to properly utilize those metals they also attach to undesirable trace metals and allow the body to remove them.

Types of Chelator

Many chemicals can serve as chelators. Their effects will depend on the precise nature and concentration of that chelator.

There are some weak chelators present in common foods.

Stronger chelators are substances used medicinally to rid the body of excess toxic metals

Why is there potential for Iron Overload? Iron overload is possible because there is no normal mechanism for removing it from the body.

The body is iron-efficient, it retains its iron and recycles it over and over again.

The body's iron level is controlled almost entirely by absorption and iron can build up progressively as dietary intake increases, especially in men because they do not have a monthly blood loss.

Over a period of months and years this will result in the accumulation of several grams of iron.

Iron and Heart Disease Risk

Iron can generate free radical pathology.

There is now good evidence that free radical pathology leads to changes in the blood vessels which sets the stage for atheroscelerosis.

Accumulation of excess iron in the body may increase the risk for heart disease and the connection doesn't end there....

Health statistics have revealed that women have a lower risk of heart disease than men, until menopause, after which the risk is the same.

Why?

Pre-menopausal women have a monthly blood loss that rids the body of excess, potentially toxic iron, which may protect against heart disease.

Even pre-menopausal women with high blood cholesterol levels and high levels of LDL (bad) cholesterol, which are considered to be strong risk factors for heart isease, have less heart disease than men.

The Lead connection

Lead is a toxic element that has many undesirable health effects.

Evidence links excess lead with cardiovascular disease, cancer and other disorders.

Researchers have found that cancer rates are higher amongst people living near heavily-traveled roads and it was suggested that this increased risk is due to the higher levels of lead in the air.

This led the researchers to test the effect of a lead-removing substance - EDTA (ethylene diamine tetra acetic acid),a man-made amino acid and chelating agent - on cancer rates in people living near high-traffic roads.

After 18 years those treated with EDTA had one-tenth of the cancer rate of those not treated with EDTA.(1)

Chelation Therapy

This is the use of chelating agents, orally or by injection, in order to bind and remove harmful metals from the body.

The man-made chelating agent EDTA can remove most toxic metals.

Intravenous Chelation

read more here

How do I escape the Payday loan merry go round? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

How do I escape the Payday loan merry go round? - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt

I am hoping you can help with some financial advice.
I have been living from paycheck to paycheck more and more since Christmas when I overspent.
In the last couple of months I have started using a Payday loan service.
This payday loan shop takes checks from me in the middle of the month and promises not to cash the check till payday.
This seemed great the first month , by using the payday loan I could stretch my money out , but when payday came along and they took their money back it left me short for that month.

Now I am going to the payday loan service earlier and earlier every month..

How do I get out of this financial mess?

"Short of money"

Dear Short of money

I am not sure you will like the financial advice I am going to give.
No more living off payday loans for you!

It is time to tighten the belt, sit down right now with a pen and paper and work out what your fixed expenses are.
Work out your rent/mortgage , utility bills, any secured loans you have all the things that MUST be paid ever month.

Then look at all the extras you buy, magazines, eating out at lunch anything else you can think off.
Sometimes it is a good idea to carry a little book around to make a note of every penny you spend.

This bit is the hard , but vital bit, STOP SPENDING!
Yes you must still pay your rent and the fixed outgoings , but you don't need to eat out at lunch (take sandwiches) you can borrow books from the library to read at work instead of buying magazines.

Payday loans are ok if you are in a real emergency and there is no other option, but they are not meant to be a way of life.

Tighten that belt and get your spending under control , NOW!

Agony Aunt

Dating Tool: Confidence 101 - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

Dating Tool: Confidence 101 - My Agony Aunt dating advice
"I'm over it. 'There's plenty of fish in the sea,' they say. Well, apparently I have been using the wrong bait. Nobody said dating would be easy, but Hollywood sure likes to paint it that way, doesn't it? 'There's someone for everyone,' they say. Maybe that ought to translate to, 'There's someone for everyone....as long as you're a muscled pretty boy with washboard abs, and at least 6 feet tall.'
So how does one get by this unsettling dating stipulation? Are we actually to believe that love will find us when we're not looking? I think people who say that are normally in happy relationships when they say it. Can we 'buy' outer beauty from an online store to match our own inner beauty? Somebody is buying pheromones and weight-loss pills and liposuction and facial restructuring. Hell, now people even get plastic surgery to make them look like a celebrity. .. Read more

Hassle-free Dating Plan - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

Hassle-free Dating Plan - My Agony AuntThe trials and tribulations of dating make for good humor and interesting dinner time stories! Doubling your dating pleasure starts with prioritizing the objectives of the date.

More single men and women could get more out of their dating if they applied a failsafe approach to the process.

While there aren't any rules to dating, here are a few pointers to enhance the dating excitement and thwart the perils of dating the wrong prospects.

Devise a simple dating plan. Meeting singles through personal ads, online dating sites and in the bar scene can expose you to a small percentage of undesirables. To avoid wasting your time, conduct thorough phone interviews with your prospective dates. Invest five to 10 hours of phone dating time first.
Ask your prospective date the following questions: where they work, reside, substance abuse habits and marital status. These are important questions to inquire if you are planning a date. Great time and energy can be saved by conducting a brief "interview". This helps both of you to know and understand each other. ........

read the rest of it here

Advantages Of Mortgage Pre-Approval - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

Advantages Of Mortgage Pre-Approval - My Agony AuntThere are several advantages to getting mortgage pre-approval before looking for a home.

Being pre-approved for a loan lets you know how much you can borrow towards a home, your agent can help you find a home within the loan amount you're pre-approved for, and a seller of a home is more likely to accept your offer than someone who has not been pre-approved for a loan yet.

Your lender will review your credit, financial, and employment information during the mortgage pre-approval process after you fill out an application.

Once you qualify for a loan, you will receive a mortgage approval letter. It will contain a maximum loan amount you're approved for and how much time you have to use the loan. This is your bank's guarantee of the amount they will lend you toward the purchase of a home.

When you are ready to negotiate a price for a home, the seller will be more willing to accept your offer because you already have financing available. A seller would be more reluctant to accept an offer from someone who doesn't have the money yet to buy the home, because the offer can fall through if the buyer can't come up with the money at the time of closing.

The advantages of having mortgage pre-approval .... read more

Realtionship Advice, Falling in Love - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

Realtionship Advice, Falling in Love - My Agony Aunt
Falling in love is a process that one cannot stay away from. In life, many of us has experienced going through a love relationship. Some are fortunate enough to have found the most perfect partner while some find it so heart-breaking and physically exhausting especially when failing in their very first love.

First love is always the sweetest but at the same time can be the most hurting. Most of us, whom had bad experience with our first love always find it very hard to fall in love again, sometimes even in getting back to life. Hopes and dreams were suddenly shattered. All of a sudden, life just seemed so meaningless. In worst-case scenario, extended to ending of one's life for some.

"Time can heal every wound", ..read more

Stop Your Depression NOW! - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

Stop Your Depression NOW! - My Agony Aunt
Finally, Retired Clinical Counselor Reveals the Secrets Successful Psychiatrists and Psychologists Don't Want You to Know.

"How to Stop Your Depression Now!"
Reclaim Yourself and Live Again!

"Get the Depression Busting Tools You Need
To Win the War Against Depression."

7 Power Skills that Build Strong Relationships - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

7 Power Skills that Build Strong Relationships - My Agony Aunt: "A strong, healthy relationship is one in which the partners show respect and kindness toward each other. The relationship forms a rewarding and enduring bond of trust and support. Here are seven power skills that will help you form stronger alliances and bring more closeness, authenticity and trust to your relationships.
1. Relax Optimistically
If you are comfortable around others, they will feel comfortable around you. If you appear nervous, others will sense it and withdraw. If you are meeting someone for the first time, brighten up as if you've rediscovered a long-lost friend. A smile will always be the most powerful builder of rapport. Communicating with relaxed optimism, energy and enthusiasm will provide a strong foundation for lasting relationships.
2. Listen Deeply
Powerful listening goes beyond hearing words and messages; it connects us emotionally with our communication partner. Listen to what the person is not saying as well as to what he or she is saying. Focus intently and listen to the messages conveyed behind and between words.
Listen also with your eyes and heart. Notice facial expressions and body postures, but see beneath the surface of visible behaviors. Feel the range of emotions conveyed by tone of voice and rhythm of speech. Discern what the person wants you to hear and also what they want you to feel.
3. Feel Empathetically
Empathy is the foundation of good two-way communication. Being empathetic is seeing from another person's perspective regardless of your opinion or belief. Treat their mistakes as you would want them to treat your mistakes. Let the individual know that you are concerned with the mistake, and that you still respect them as a person. Share their excitement in times of victory, and offer encouragement in times of difficulty. Genuine feelings of empathy will strengthen the bond of trust.....

more relationship advice

Relationships - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

Relationships - My Agony Aunt: "Many of us wish we could get some good honest dating advice.
Finding a wife or finding a husband can feel like it is taking over your life sometimes.
Dating can be a very stressful time so we offer advice and guidance about everything from online dating to speed dating and much more besides.

Dating should be fun and with our dating advice it can be.

Hassle-free Dating Plan
Dating Tip: Don't Work Too Hard
First Date Tips and Tricks

Relationships - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

Relationships - My Agony AuntAre you looking for relationship advice?

People often ask "what is the key to a happy relationship?"

I am not sure what the best relationship advice is , I believe there are a whole bunch of small things, when applied together all add up to a happy relationship.

People always seem happy to share their relationship advice, but just because they share it you don't have to abide by it.
Be careful to pick your way through all the relationship advice given and just take notice of the intelligent unbiased advice.

Relationship Advice
Are you looking for relationship advice?

People often ask "what is the key to a happy relationship?"

I am not sure what the best relationship advice is , I believe there are a whole bunch of small things, when applied together all add up to a happy relationship.

People always seem happy to share their relationship advice, but just because they share it you don't have to abide by it.
Be careful to pick your way through all the relationship advice given and just take notice of the intelligent unbiased advice.

My best friends a gossip
Can This Relationship Be Helped?
Ways to Rediscover Your True Passion After Divorce Joanie Winberg
Things You Shouldn't Do If He's Cheating on You Ruth Houston
Bully Victims Need a Healthy Relationship with an Adult Paula McCoach
A New Computer Causing Problems Arlie MacGregor
10 Simple Ways to Say, “I Love You” Rondi Hillstrom Davis
Split with my boyfriend Agony Aunt
How to avoid affairs Arlie MacGregor
WHAT'S THE ‘ATTRACTION'? Arlie MacGregor
Choosing The Right Gift Bonnie Jo Davis
Five Ways to Sharpen Your Sense of Humor and Improve Your Relationships Mike Moore
A Kernel of Truth about Relationships: 4 Steps to Improvement Dr. Robert Eubanks
7 Power Skills that Build Strong Relationships Steve Brunkhorst
7 Keys to Better Relationships Patricia Wagner
Build Relationships George Torok
Geting The Most From Romantic Relationships Alan Detwiler

<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>
Results 1 - 17 of 17

Relationship Advice
Happy Families ( 16 items )

Let's play happy familys, I am sorry to say that having a happy family is not a game.

It takes hard work, team work, thought and then more work to make a happy, loving caring family.

Wondering how best to deal with disruptive children, how to share the work load out, how to find time for everyone?

Dating Advice ( 13 items )
Many of us wish we could get some good honest dating advice.
Finding a wife or finding a husband can feel like it is taking over your life sometimes.
Dating can be a very stressful time so we offer advice and guidance about everything from online dating to speed dating and much more besides.

Dating should be fun and with our dating advice it can be.

My partner cheated with a man! - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

My partner cheated with a man! - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt
Me and my partner have been together for a long time, we have 2 young children, I have recently found out that he had oral sex with another man 3mths ago, he told me he did'nt enjoy it and was'nt stimulated and now he has this out of his system he would'nt do it again.
I have checked the history on the pc i can see he has been on gay chat lines as recently as last friday. do you think i should end this relationship?

This is a heartbreaking letter to read, there are two young children to consider as well as a long term relationship.
You obviously didnt believe him when he said he had it out of his system or you wouldnt have checked the history on the PC. Do you want to end the relationship? Could you ever trust him again if you stay in the relationship, will you always be wondering what he is up to whenever he goes out.
There are many instances of men who don't come out as gay until their familys are grown up, It must be hard for them living what is effectively a lie. You need to confront your partner, I am sure you dont want to spend the next 20 years wondering and worrying about if he is with another man.
If he admits he is gay then you both need to go to counselling, Not to keep you together but so the split is as amicable as possible, you need to work out financil issues as well as access to the children.
If you decide to stay together, then I wish you the best of luck."

Agony Aunt

My husband is cheating on me! - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

My husband is cheating on me! - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt

My husband of 10 years has been involved with another woman that is 12 years older than him for the past 6 years. The affair has been on and off for the last year.
It would end each time that I would demand it, but they would get back together after a few weeks. They work at the same company. A month ago he moved in with her. It lasted 7 days and we were in contact the entire time, getting along better than we ever have. We are now back together and things are going fine.
The problem is that I don't trust him. I monitor his cell phone calls. So far he has not contacted her. How can I stop being so distrustful. This is going to cause a wedge in our relationship because he gets real annoyed and tells me he has forgotten her so why can't I?
Would it be better if I kept my distrust to myself.
I do love him, this is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

-Distrustful

Dear Distrustful

If he gets annoyed that you are distrustful, he can get over it real quick. He has put you through hell for six years, and cannot expect you to forget all about it because he has. His actions have eroded away at your self confidence and trust.
It took six years of living with a man who wasn't sure of what he wanted to get the relationship in the place that it is in. It may take another six years before you will ever completely trust him again.
If he gets annoyed, let him.
If he truly wants it to work, he will understand that there are consequences to be paid for his abuse of your trust and he will have to earn it all back. He should hold himself accountable to you for his time, always.
If he still works with his old lover, I would insist that he change employers.
If he truly wants to make a go with you, he will be more than happy to do whatever it takes.

You do not have to be a taskmaster over him. Someone that has truly repented of their misdeeds will not be happy if someone is constantly holding it over their heads. So, be sure that you aren't using his past mistakes to manipulate him.
However, it is only natural that you are mistrustful and suspicious. It is normal for you to think that he will do it again. I
f he does, you should not let him back into your life. If you do, you will still be in this same position 10 years from now. People can only do to you what you allow them to do.

Be Watchful-

Agony Aunt

I'm so fat - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

I'm so fat - My Agony Aunt: "Dear Agony Aunt

im 13 years old and 5 foot 4 and i weigh 9 stone 7 pounds everybody says im fat and i cant get a boy friend am i at a health weight and how can i lose it?

Dear I'm so fat

You are very young still and you will probably carry on growing taller and taller but if you want to lose weight now look at what you eat, do you eat lots of junk food?

Burgers, fries, coke and other fast foods contain high levels of sugar and fat, which in moderation can be ok for you but do not eat them more than once a week.

How much exercise do you get? Why not offer to take your neighbours dogs for a walk daily.
You get some extra exercise and do a good deed at the same time, they may even pay you, if you do this daily and cut out all the sugary fast foods you will see your weight start to drop and your fitness levels improve.

Start eating more healthy foods now and you will be healthy for life.

Good luck

Agony Aunt"

Holiday Romances, What now? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

Holiday Romances, What now? - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt
I recently got back from a vacation where i met this really nice guy! And we kept in touch but he lives in USA and i live in the UK!
He's been really flirty with me although he has a gf and i have a bf!
But i cant stop thinking about him!
And i don't know what to do! Help!!!

Holiday Romance

Dear Holiday Romance

The sun and sea and warm weather can make it all seem a long way from reality when you are away on holiday.

How do you feel for him, strongly enough to try and meet up again? Have you told your boyfriend about him?

If you dont feel strongly enough to make a 100% effort to go see him again then i would suggest you stop right now.

Think of it as holiday fun and the holiday is over now, back to reality , which can be a hard thing to take sometimes.

It is better to finish with him now rather than when one of your partners finds out.

Good luck

Agony Aunt

Why dont I have friends? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

Why dont I have friends? - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt,
I'm 29 years old and I can honestly say I have no friends. For as long as I can remember even at school I didn't seem to have any real friends. I had people who I hung around with that put me down but that was about it. As I've got older and more confident I thought things would change. I have a handful of girl acquiantances who I go out with now and again but I wouldn't say any of them deserve the title of 'friend'. Friends are supposed to be people you can rely on, go out with, have fun with, have a laugh with - well that's what I thought anyway.
I've tried numerous things, starting new hobbies, making friends through people I know. I hand my number out to other girls but whenever I try to contact anyone to go out I always get turned down and I try on more than one occasion. I'm beginning to think it's me. I'm not a horrible person, I am kind and caring. I like doing things that other people like doing, I don't have 2 heads but whatever it is, it certainly stops me from getting anywhere. I long to have a close circle of friends to go shopping with and go out to lunch with but when I invite people they turn me down and I end up doing things on my own - all the time. It's really starting to get me down, I'm not sure what to do but I'm lonely as hell.

He says I have Changed - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

He says I have Changed - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt

I was with my boyfriend for 4 months, and he said I had changed a lot. But, I couldn't realize that I had. So, he finished it with me. This was about 3 months ago and I haven't seen him since. Three days ago I saw him and he said I've changed back to how he knew me at the beginning. I have realized that I still love him and I don't know how to tell him. Can you please help me?

Dear DS
I don't think that you really love him. If you do, you should evaluate if he is worth it. What worries me with your letter is that you are so quick to fall back into a relationship with a person that let you go because he felt like you had changed. Everyone changes in life. It is part of growing. If he can't accept you for who you are, then you don't need him. Who is to say that after a couple of weeks that he won't announce that you have changed, again, and walk out the door? You don't need that kind of trauma and heartbreak in your life.

You need to keep yourself from falling back into a dead end relationship. If you don't, this cycle can continue for years. You seem to be too easily swayed by this fellow, and it's obvious that he knows it. It sounds like he is playing you like a puppet on a string. Stay away from him and surround yourself with different people. People that will love you for who you are, and not for what they want you to be to match the mood they are in.

You need to truly love yourself before you will be capable of receiving true love from another. Set some high standards for yourself in regards to the type of men that you will allow into your life. You are worth it. No one will truly look after your best interests in this world, but you.

Best of Luck

Agony Aunt

Abusive Son - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T12:56:00.000-07:00

Abusive Son - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt
I am happily married to my second wife, but we have a serious problem with the youngest of my 2 sons by my first wife, with whom he lives. He is 16, due to take GCSEs in the summer, but has been permanently excluded from school and is smoking a lot of cannabis, staying out late with unsuitable friends and generally misbehaving.

He lives with his mother, about two miles away from us. She is fragile, having spent the last 12 years in and out of mental hospital, and his behaviour is likely to drive her back into hospital very soon. He can be quite abusive to her. He is not very intelligent, and many years ago was diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome.

He is also dyspraxic. He is statemented, but the LEA does not consider him to be high priority and he gets very little extra help. He is unlikely to get any GCSEs at this rate. If his mother goes back into hospital, he will effectively be my responsibility, but I can't have him (and he does not want to live with us anyway).

We only have a one bedroom flat, and I have to work so my wife would have to deal with him - a prospect she absolutely dreads and has said she will not be able to cope with. He is certainly not responsible or old enough to live alone, so it seems that unless social services can house him, either he will become homeless or my marriage is threatened.
How can I avoid having to choose between my wife and my son?

Concerned Dad

You can not deal with this alone, your son and your ex wife need professional help.
Someone must get in touch with social services, If your son doesn't kick the cannabis soon he never will. Your ex wife is clearly not capable of looking after herself never mind a difficult son.

You should not have to choose between your wife and your son, It will be tough to keep everyone happy but as long as you are honest with your wife and explain what you are doing and why she will understand.
Do you think your son is behaving badly as a way to get attention from you?
Was he particularly young when your marriage broke up?

Social services are there to help, they sometimes get a bad press, most social workers are hard working and conscientious. Ask them for help.

Have you ever sat down and spoke to your son about his behaviour? Do it in a non confrontational way, pick a neutral place to do it, and try to pick a time when he isn't stoned.

I wish you every luck, make sure you speak to Social Services as soon as possible.

Agony aunt

Bisexual Love affair - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

Bisexual Love affair - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt

I'm bisexual and recently split with my partner of 14 months who I was living with. I had doubts that she was cheating on me with another women. She was always texting her & would take her phone with her everywhere she went. I confronted her about it but each time she said nothing was going on. I was at the point where I thought I was now imagining things so I checked her mobile one eve. The texts I found on there were not what a friend sent you. I was distraught so stayed with friends for a few days. I then told her I'd seen the messages on her phone and she admitted that this women had kissed her & she'd kissed her back.

Because of this kiss she didn't know what she wanted. When I returned home we spoke & she said that she loved me like crazy but doesn't know what she wanted. I moved out as I was devastated by this. We're not together anymore and she is seeing this other women. I don't know why I can't move on as easy as her. I think about her all the time. We'd talk about being together forever, I worshipped the ground that she walked on. How can she say she really loves me then be with somebody else. This women is married with children so is it the excitment that she craves? I just want to get her out of my head. I never believed she could hurt me as much as she has done.

I'm driving myself crazy for the fact that I'm always thinking about her. I loved her so much.

Thank you Agony Aunt...

Dear Hurt

Cheating in a bi-sexual relationship is no different than cheating in a heterosexual relationship. Cheating is cheating, and it hurts. It is good that you followed your instincts and found out the truth about her relationship with the other woman. The reasons that a person chooses to cheat are as different as the people themselves. Yes, she may be only out for some excitement. Now that she is a free agent this new interest of hers may not seem so attractive.
Once a partner has cheated, they will often show back up wanting to get back into the old relationship. This is when you will have to choose what kind of relationship you want. You can forgive and move on with this woman, or you can send her on her way. Only you will be able to tell if this woman is jerking you around and if she will continue this pattern. It might be just a one time fling, or she could continue this pattern for a while.
It takes time to get over a past love. You will always have a part of her in your heart. She has been a part of your life for 14 months and has shaped your life. Don't expect your feelings for her to go away over night. It does take time. You will have to grieve the little losses, as well. Simple things like dinner and TV time may seem odd without her with you. Now is the time to re-pattern your life and shift things around. Eat in a different section of the house, check out different shows on television and explore different music. Do anything that will start you on your way as a single, healthy person, again. Try not to wallow in your misery. Take action to climb out of it.

To a speedy recovery-
Agony Aunt

Am I being Neglected? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

Am I being Neglected? - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt,

can you give me some advice toward neglection as i am the only child and im 16, i have 2 cousins and my mum babysits them every day of the week untill about 6pm and when i arive home from school, she is always realy grumpy with me. i get blamed a lot for when my cousins do anything wrong and this makes me angry but if i say anything to my mum then she bites my head of about it and says i have got an attitude problem, the anger just keeps building up and i dont know what to do as ive also got my Gcse exams soon and she keeps naging me about revision when i do do a good bit of it.

Please help as its begining to make me wonder why i am still alive!

Dear Only Child

I am sorry that you have been missing your Mom's attention so much. Being an only child, it must be difficult for you and your mother both to have younger cousins in the home. It looks like understanding for each other is in order. I'm sure that your mother is not aware of how hurt and neglected that you feel. She may be grumpy at you because she feels that you are grumpy at her.

My advice is to sit down and write your mom a letter. The freedom that a letter will give you is amazing. It assures you that you will be able to say everything that is on your mind, and that you are heard. In the letter tell her that you understand how stressed out she must feel having the little cousins around, and that you are feeling it, too. Tell her how much you miss her, and that you would like to have some one on one time with her. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, either. Just let her know that you would like some time with her in the evening for about half an hours so that you two can talk and share. Sometimes parents of teens feel like their children aren't interested in them, anymore. Maybe your mother feels the same way you do. Maybe she is feeling neglected.

It is not uncommon for households that have more than one child in them for the older child to be the one that is looked to as the "responsible" one. The little ones may sometimes take advantage of that and blame the older child for everything. Be aware and don't let these little guys sucker you into anything! You and your mom can team up and present a united front to these cousins. They can be loved and cared for in your home, without running the household.

Keep Your Head Up-

Agony Aunt

Is this relationship doomed? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T12:40:00.000-07:00

Is this relationship doomed? - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt, I have been in a relationship now for over 4 years with a man I met whilst out clubbing with my mates. He was a bit of a rough diamond, completely different to any of my other ex'es but that was part of the attraction. The main thing that attracted me to him was his sense of humour and his carefree attitude whilst I was his 'up town girl'!

Now 4 and a bit years down the line we find ourselves in a dead end relationship, arguing constantly and fighting to be top dog, it's a constant power struggle often culminating in one of us threateneing to leave. we have completely changed from those people we were when we met. Now we are unrecognisible. It was my birthday last week and we even ended up having a huge row in the morning, resulting in me ripping up his birthday card and him throwing a trainer at me, slamming doors in my face and threatening me.

During the course of the relationship our friends have dropped away one by one and now we are left lonely with no one coming round to our house and never going out. His friends didn't like me and when he used to go out with them he'd end up coming in drunk or drugged up (something he promised me he would never do) at all hours. It was if they were testing how far he could push me, he even met a girl whilst out with them and denied it until I gave him an ultimatum. Since those days we have moved out of the area but now feel isolated.

Over the last couple of years he has got into major debt, owing thousands to banks and on credit cards because he lost his stable job in 2003. He has recently lost a supposedly stable job because he didn't meet the targets set by the company. Now his debts are going upaid and I am very stressed out all the time. I have sought advice and written to the companies, pretending to be him, to sort things out because he could never be bothered and my blood pressure was becoming dangeriously high because I was stressed out. This has affected our sex life and now it's only every once a week that I feel like getting close to him. He now thinks this is not often enough but sometimes I honestly cannot say that I want to be near him. We were engaged but after a huge row last summer we both took our engagement rings off and haven't felt the urge to wear them again. I used to want to marry him but now that seems impossible. We can't even buy a house because of all the debt he is in.

He also has a lot of baggage from a past relationship and an abusive relationship with one of his parents.

I am a graduate and whilst I don't think I should have the world at my feet I do think about what life could have been like had I not gone to the club that night - I work in a boring job but have stayed there purely because it pays my rent and it's not far from home.

Before I met this man I was head over heels in lust with a bloke who was a friend of a friend but was in a relationship so I never took it any further and have never told him how I feel. Even now I could cry about how much I like him and often have done. Recently he has texted me out of the blue with a 'between the sheets' invitation and I am very tempted. I sit at work and think how my life could be different with him compared to that of my current partner - no debt, no baggage, no fights and a completely fresh start in another part of the country.

I am really confused and no one I talk to knows the full story as I am too ashamed to tell them what a mess my life has become.

I would be grateful for any advice you could give me, however cutting it maybe. I don't know what to do!

Sorry i have gone on and on!

Thanks
L

Dear LR

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. It does happen that people wake up in a relationship and wonder who they are, and who that person is sleeping beside them. You said you were attracted to your mans carefree attitude from the start. It sounds like the very things that attracted you to him are the very things that are driving you up the wall, now.

It is common for there to be rough patches in relationships. To give your man the benefit of the doubt, it seems that he has had some bad luck with his job, and his family. It is common, for partners to take their frustrations out on each other when things get difficult in the outside world. I'm not saying it is correct behavior, but it is something that does happen. All you are accountable for are your reactions. The first thing you need to do is quit playing mother to him. There is no top dog in a relationship. You are equal partners. He is a big boy; let him deal with his own debt and bill collectors. Why should he bother worrying about it? You are doing it for the both of you. As guilty as he is in making the mess, you are just as guilty for running behind him trying to clean it all up. It seems like a cycle of co-dependency to me. Why would your friends want to be around to watch you destroy each other?

Yes, this other man that you are conversing with must appear to have it all together. But, how much can he really care if he just wants time with you between the sheets, as you say? He doesn't seem concerned with the chaos such a deed would bring to your already turbulent life. A fling is not the answer, my dear.

My advice is to take care of you and your health first. Also, respect your man for who he is as an individual, not what he does, or doesn't do, for a living. Some people aren't afforded the same opportunities as others. Break the cycle of co-dependency, redefine your roles in your present relationship and give it another go. If the pair of you truly love each other, you can hold it together with some work. If your guy is unwilling to step up to the plate and be a man, then cut him loose. Only then can you consider yourself a free woman.

Quit playing Mommy,

Agony Aunt

My boyfriend treats me like dirt - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend treats me like dirt - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt

I am living in a flat with my boyfriend who I thought loved me. But, he has started lying to me and treating me like dirt. I love him and I cannot leave him. I feel like my own family doesn't love me anymore, too. I am so depressed.
Please help.
Depressed

Dear Depressed

Who says that you cannot leave him? If your boyfriend is abusing you, you must get out. If your family is not an option, then you have to seek services in your area that will help you. You do sound depressed, and I want you to know that there are people out there who can help you, even if you don't have any money. You can call the samaritans , the number is in your phone book, people are there 24 hours a day to help someone who is depressed.

From your letter I do not have much information to go on. It sounds like you are having a rough time of it with your boyfriend, and your family. Are the family problems because of your boyfriend? Maybe they see something in him that you don't? Is it possible that they are looking out for your good, and you don't agree with them because you are so wrapped up in this man?

You have to learn to be happy with you. No one on this Earth can make another person happy. If you are looking to another human being as your sole purpose for existing, you are bound to get hurt. Also, people can't handle having that kind of pressure put on them. If your man is feeling that you are smothering him, he may be wanting out. From what little you wrote I cannot advise too deeply about this relationship. My main concern is that you get your emotions in a better place. Relationships can cause pain, you have to make sure that you are strong enough to put it in perspective and not allow pain to get the better of you.

Never Give Up-

Agony Aunt

He says I have Changed - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

He says I have Changed - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt

I was with my boyfriend for 4 months, and he said I had changed a lot. But, I couldn't realize that I had. So, he finished it with me. This was about 3 months ago and I haven't seen him since. Three days ago I saw him and he said I've changed back to how he knew me at the beginning. I have realized that I still love him and I don't know how to tell him. Can you please help me?

DS

Dear DS
I don't think that you really love him. If you do, you should evaluate if he is worth it. What worries me with your letter is that you are so quick to fall back into a relationship with a person that let you go because he felt like you had changed. Everyone changes in life. It is part of growing. If he can't accept you for who you are, then you don't need him. Who is to say that after a couple of weeks that he won't announce that you have changed, again, and walk out the door? You don't need that kind of trauma and heartbreak in your life.

You need to keep yourself from falling back into a dead end relationship. If you don't, this cycle can continue for years. You seem to be too easily swayed by this fellow, and it's obvious that he knows it. It sounds like he is playing you like a puppet on a string. Stay away from him and surround yourself with different people. People that will love you for who you are, and not for what they want you to be to match the mood they are in.

You need to truly love yourself before you will be capable of receiving true love from another. Set some high standards for yourself in regards to the type of men that you will allow into your life. You are worth it. No one will truly look after your best interests in this world, but you.

Best of Luck

Agony Aunt

Fighting with my mum - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

Fighting with my mum - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt
My partner and i split up last year and i moved back home with my parents, taking my now two year old daughter with me.

Since the split my partner and i had a lot of discussions and decided to have a reconciliation.

We have just bought a new house together and are due to move in this weekend. Everything was really looking up until my mum started being really nasty to me.

She said that she is concerned about my daughters upbringing (making me feel like a crap mum) and says she has doubts as to weather i loved her for a period of time.

This is so far from the truth. I would go to the ends of the earth for my little girl, as would her daddy and i thought my mum could have seen that.

Why has she started to be so horrible when things seem to be finally working out for me and my own family?

Please help as this has caused an enormous rift, and ive told her i will never speak to her again, but she didnt really seem too concerned!!

Dear Rift With Mom

The bad thing about turning to your family when you have relationship problems is that once you have made up with your partner, all is not forgotten by your family. I am sure that your parents were excited about having you and their grandchild come stay at their home. The truth of the matter is that they are probably disappointed that you are leaving. They have probably become attached to the child, especially.

If your child came to you hurt over a problem with a friend, and then she wanted to join back up with that friend, you would be the cautious mother tiger overlooking the situation from a different perspective, I bet. I would say that is all that your Mum is doing. She may not have handled it properly, and I am sure that she knows you love your child. It sounds like both of you may have said and done things in the heat of anger that should not have been said and done. Apologies seem to be in order from both of you. You should also make sure your parents know how much you appreciate them opening their home up to the pair of you.

It is important that we all have a family that we can turn to when we need support. In the future, I would advise you to not tell your parents when you are having general problems with your partner. That is what friends are for. It is hard for any parent to not look a little disapprovingly at the source of their child's pain.

Make Up With Mom-

Agony Aunt

Married and unhappy - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

Married and unhappy - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt

I am a married woman with two boys, and I'm very unhappy. I don't desire my husband anymore. I want to meet people and get to know myself again. But, I'm too scared to. I don't know how, and I'm hopeless with men. I become too obsessed with them and want to hear from them all the time. Help me please.

Obsessed

Dear Obsessed

It seems to me that the last thing you need to do right now is to go out and meet a man. You do not need to start a relationship with anyone else until you have figured out the situation with yourself, and with your own husband. You have two young children to consider. Children need for their parents to be in control of their lives.

I feel that you need to work on yourself. You need to figure out what is making you so unhappy. No individual makes another individual happy. You cannot blame your unhappiness completely on your spouse. If things are rough at home, you should try everything within your power to work it out before you throw in the towel. Maybe it's not your marriage that is making you so unhappy, but other issues such as a low self esteem, lack of time to yourself, not having friends that are your own, or being in a boring rut?

From your letter it sounds to me like you are looking for some excitement in your life. Who says that excitement has to mean meeting another man? You and your spouse have gone through major changes since you had children, and I'm sure that your marriage has settled into a routine. Find ways to liven it up. Surprise him with some lingerie or a romantic evening away from the children. On a personal note, the better you feel about yourself, the better your relationships will become. All married couples go through stages where the interest becomes low. If your marriage ends up not working out, the men will still be out there. I wouldn't advise against getting involved with one, now.

Happiness comes from within

Agony Aunt

I am seeing a older woman.. - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

I am seeing a older woman.. - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt

Hi! I am in my 20's, and I am seeing woman who is more than 10 years older than me.
I love her to bits and we laugh a lot when we are with each other. But, recently I have started a new job and she has been really funny with me.
She seems moody. The other day I texted my work colleague who happens to be a female to advise work I was going to be late, and my girlfriend went mad.
She really didn't like the fact that I contacted my work colleague. I'm stuck because I feel like we really are not getting on, and that she may dump me for no reason. What should I do?

Younger Man

Dear Younger Man

It seems that your older woman is feeling a tad insecure. It seemed that all was well until you started your new job. The change of schedule, and the fact that she doesn't know the people that you work with are probably the reasons for her moodiness. Also, it would be best if you call the company directly and speak with the supervisor if you are going to be late instead of texting, or calling, a female co-worker. I'm sure the fact that you had this woman's personal number made doubts creep into your woman's mind.

It sounds like you and your older woman have a good relationship. However, it is only natural that she would feel insecure at times. She probably feels that she is not as interesting to you as some of your younger co-workers are. I would go out of my way to make her feel special. Call her from work, buy her a favorite candy, and pour on the love. Women that date younger men are usually very self-confident, yet it is only natural when insecurities creep into a relationship. It happens in all relationships. She probably feels that you are the one that is going to break it off with her.

You should really think about your feelings for this older woman. If you are not in the relationship for the long haul, it may be best to part ways now. If you truly love this woman and are committed, then you should try to understand the feelings of your older woman and assure her that she is the most important thing in your life.

Reassure Her

Agony Aunt

He keeps walking out on me, what should I do? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

He keeps walking out on me, what should I do? - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt

I have been with my partner for a year and a half. We live together with my 7 year old son from a previous relationship. The problem is my partner, whom I love, packs his bags and leaves whenever we have an argument.
He goes to his mums, tells her his version of the arguement, and she than has a go at me. I feel that he is not committed to me and my son, although he assures me that he is.

When we argue, he'll go out for a drink and not come home until the next day. He says he has been at his mums, and she backs him up. I know he's not been at his mums. He talks about me to people when we're not together and it is not nice things he says. The house we live in is mine, although I bought it after we were living together. He can't get a mortgage because he has a bad credit history.
He expects me to put his name on the house, and I have about 20,000 in equity in this house.
He does not contribute that much to the household bills. He sometimes does the shopping. He does nothing in the house. I do all the cooking and cleaning. Every time he leaves me he packs all his belongings, even the things he has bought me. He has caused damage to the house, to the ceiling, to a door, and the blinds.
When I ask him for the money to replace or repair, he tells me it is my house. I have taken a contract on a mobile phone for him and when we have a falling out, he gives it me and tell me to pay for it myself. I really love him but I am struggling with his aggressive rages when we disagree, and his lack of commitment to both me and my son. What should I do?

--Need a commitment

Dear Needs a Commitment

What you need is a real man. This guy should have been kicked to the curb . . . yesterday. First, you are involved with a man who has an odd relationship with his mum. He was never taught to respect women, and he has never truly left mum, emotionally. It doesn't sound like mum has wanted to cut the strings, either. Whenever you have a spat instead of acting like a man, he pitches a tantrum and runs home to mummy.
She feeds his destructive patterns by placing all the blame on you, instead of telling him to grow up. They both need counseling to resolve this co-dependant relationship that they are in.

Your son will grow up to be just like this man if you don't remove this man from your home. What good is he to you? From what you have said he doesn't contribute emotionally, financially, and he has become a burden that only causes you emotional and monetary strain.
You are in a co-dependant cycle of your own, and you are enabling his bad behaviours. You are teaching your son that it is okay to carry on as this man does, and that he doesn't have to respect you, or women, either.

This man hasn't grown up. He is more concerned with running around with his friends. When he feels the urge to go, he picks a fight and runs. He knows that mummy will have his back and that he can weasel his way back into your home. Why? Because it is the pattern you have allowed to happen. Break the pattern, put your foot down, and send this little boy back home.

Kick Him Out-

Agony Aunt

Cancer Fears - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

Cancer Fears - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt,
My Grandmother recently died of Cancer, My stepfather has had Bowel Cancer, what do I need to know? Can I do anything to protect myself?

Cancer information

Arthritis - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

Arthritis - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony aunt
My doctor says I am suffering from arthritis in my hands, it is painful to type to much and I can not do as much gardening as I would like.
He has offered me pills but I don't like to fill my body with drugs, I do take cod liver oil as I have heard that is good for joint pain.
What else can you recommend, something that isn't drugs preferably please.
Thanks Secretary in pain

Trying for a baby - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

Trying for a baby - My Agony Aunt
Dear Aunty

I recently got married, we are trying for a baby straight away. We had sex about 1 month ago and didn't use any protection the problem is my period was a week late and i have been feeling really tired, getting a funny taste in my mouth and also eating a lot of oranges and i can't normaly stand them does this mean that i could be pregant what would be the best thing to do?
Newlywed

Hi newlywed

I would suggest that you either get yourself to a chemist and buy a pregnancy test kit or visit your doctor if you haven't already.

Congratulations if you are pregnant, if you aren't just keep trying.

Aunty

Sleepy all the time - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

Sleepy all the time - My Agony Aunt

Dear Agony Aunt

Lately, I feel sleepy all the time. I can't wake up in the morning, after work all I want to do is sleep. Weekends, all I wish to do is hide at home and sleep too.
Been kind of troubled lately, wondering if that's the cause. My boyfriend is breaking up with me. I hate my job. I stopped exercising for a month. My diet is not quite right (I hate vegetables).

Can you help me PLEASE?

Love,
Sleepy

Dear Sleepy

It sounds to me like you are depressed. Being unhappy at work is emotional tiring and when that is added to a relationship breaking up it is a recipe for depression.

This is the time to start taking your life back.
Start exercising again.
Look for a new job
Retrain if necessary
Finish with your boyfriend.

If you give yourself time to heal after the break-up your next relationship will be so much stronger.
We all work for at least 7 hours a day so being happy in your job is important.

With exercise, a new job and a finish to the worrying about the relationship you will begin to feel much better.

Agony Aunt

We are worried about our dad. - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

We are worried about our dad. - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt-

I'm not sure what to do. Me and my brother have recently noticed that my dad has been going on various web sites which aren't, let's say, normal for him. For example, dating web sites.
He now spends longer than normal on the web, and often is very edgy when on it. Shall we confront him about this? If so, what is the best way to do it?

Worried About Dad

Dear Worried About Dad

You didn't state whether your Dad is a married man, or not. For the sake of this reply, I am going to assume that he is single. I suppose if he were married, you would have said so.
Sometimes it is hard to understand your parents when they do things that you don't agree with. It sounds like you dad is lonely for adult company. Many people look for friendships on the internet.
It may be hard for you to understand why your dad would look for a woman to chat with on the internet, but it may feel safer to him. Adults that have been without a partner for a long time may need to enter the dating world slowly after a long hiatus.
Flirting and having an internet relationship may be just the thing to build up your dad's self esteem for the real world of dating.

If you dad is looking at porn sites, or sites that you don't feel are appropriate, you can simply tell him how it makes you and your brother feel. You can let him know that it makes you uncomfortable, that you don't like it, and that you think it is wrong.
I assume that if your Dad is looking at porn sites that he is doing so in the privacy of his own room. If he is doing it out in the open, he should listen to you and how you and your brother feel about it, and take his porn surfing to a different room away from you. Many people can get addicted to porn. I hope your father is not one of them. If he is you may have to seek the help of someone in your extended family.

Dad May Just Be Lonely-

Agony Aunt

I think I have a eating disorder - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

I think I have a eating disorder - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt

I am 16 and I have found myself becoming compulsive about food. I went through a stage of depression and from the age of 12 until now I have self-harmed. I have now started to binge eat and afterwards I feel real guilty about so I got to the toilet, etc. I also exercise a lot. I have done loads of research about eating disorders, and I even do psychology A level. I seem to have all of the symptoms but I'm not sure. I don't like the way I look and I still get depressed. Does this mean I'm suffering from bulimia?

-Do I need help?

Dear Needs Help

I would say that the chances that you are developing an eating disorder are a strong possibility. The fact that you might think that you do should throw up a red flag.
It is good that you are educating yourself about depression and eating disorders. You should have learned from your study the importance of seeking help in this situation. Eating disorders may start as an occasional thing, then they turn into something that is hard for you to control.

Having an eating disorder doesn't necessarily mean that you are suffering from a mental disorder. However, therapy benefits individuals with an eating disorder greatly. It is common for some teens and adults to experiment with different styles of eating and dieting. Prolonged experiments can lead to a full blown eating disorder such as compulsive eating, binge eating, and anorexia.
You should contact someone about this problem you are developing and with your depression. Sometimes people binge eat in an attempt to fill an emotional void in their lives. If you can get to the root of why you are behaving this way, you will soon be on the road to a healthier lifestyle of eating, and it will also help with your depression episodes.

Statistics tell us that nearly 2% of the population is affected by binge eating. You will not have any problems locating help. The problem will be in mustering the courage to ask for it. Do yourself the best favor of you life and seek help.

Take Care of Yourself-

Agony Aunt

I like two guys, who do I pick? - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

I like two guys, who do I pick? - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt

I am not sure why I am writing to you, it's just that I am feeling quite confused about everything and it is all getting a bit too much. I need some advice about this guy I like. Actually, I like two people and they are identical twins. I"m not sure which I like the most.
One (D) is a bit better looking, and is more confident. Yet, he can look down on you a bit.
The other, (A), is so polite and lovely, but I'm not sure he would make me laugh. D was my first pull over 3 years ago but I don't think it meant anything to him. Since he has had a girlfriend that he was really in love with.
A is a lot quieter, but he has hinted that he likes me, and I think I like him more. The problem is that we are both quiet people, and I'm not sure if he would ask me out. Recently I've tried to pluck up the courage to tell him I like him, however I then think about how perfect he is, then I look at myself, and I'm average.

I know I'm boring because I can never think of things to say and I am always getting into awkward conversations. I have just started to come out of my shell and I don't want my confidence knocked down by rejection.
I am 17 and have only ever pulled 3 guys, and I am really wanting a relationship like all my friends have had, and are in.

Help

Dear Help

Forget about D, and make friends with A. You should not hold it against A because he is quiet. You said you are just coming out of your shell, give him a break.
You would be surprised how deep conversation can become between two quiet people when they are truly comfortable with each other. Once you get to know each other the laughter will come from all the inside jokes you will have with each other.

Don't be in such a rush to be like all your other friends. Enjoy this time in your life. You are only 17, and you have the rest of your life to be in a deep, sexual relationship.
There is too much drama with girls, and they always seem to put pressure on their girl mates to be like them. One, because they don't want to feel guilty about what they are doing and secondly because they are unsure of themselves.
I would be proud of my inexperience, and I would not rush it. Make friends with A, and let nature take it from there. He probably feels very insecure if he has a brother who people think of as the more handsome one, or the more confident one. If you truly like him, focus your attention on him and don't let him think that D turns your head at all. You and A don't have to have an official date to get close. Start paling around with him and the date will come.

Take it Slow

Agony Aunt

A Drunken Mistake - My Agony Aunt

2005-06-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

A Drunken Mistake - My Agony Aunt
Dear Agony Aunt

I am 17, and just recently had my school prom with all of my friends. There was a sligh problem though, as a drunken mistake my friend Paul and I were fooling around and ended up sleeping together. What's worse, the door was open and all of our friends were watching! I really don't know what to do.
I don't want to be remembered as a slut, but I can't lie about what I did. To make things worse, this boy I like who has never noticed me is suddenly talking to me a lot. I want to make a go of things with him, but I have to be honest with him and tell him the truth.
I'm afraid that he will hate me. What do I do? I feel so alone and dirty, and I have no clue how to look at people again. Please help.

Ashamed

Dear Ashamed

Hold your head up and move on. You know the mistake you made, you recognize it for a mistake, and hopefully you have learned from it. You can have a new beginning, but only if you allow yourself to. You can't change what happened, so what is the point in dwelling on it? Drinking and Teens do not mix.
I know everyone was caught up in the spirit of the prom, but I hope you have learned your lesson and will stay away from drinking, especially in a peer setting.

As far as this boy goes that you have your heart set on, more than likely he has already heard about your experience. Could that possibly be why he is coming around now? Think about it.
If you are sure that he has not heard, I would just proceed with the relationship. There will be a time in the proper course of things where you both will open up with each other and share your past. But the important thing to remember is that it is in the past.
If it drives him away, then he is not the guy for you.

People make mistakes. That is a part of life. You can't go around living under the shadow of your past misdeeds, but you cannot refuse to learn from them, either. Good luck to you and this new guy.
I hope things work out the way you want them to. If they don't, chalk it up to experience and move on.

Let the past stay there-

Agony Aunt

My husband is cheating on me! - My Agony Aunt

2005-05-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

My husband is cheating on me! - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt

My husband of 10 years has been involved with another woman that is 12 years older than him for the past 6 years. The affair has been on and off for the last year.
It would end each time that I would demand it, but they would get back together after a few weeks. They work at the same company. A month ago he moved in with her. It lasted 7 days and we were in contact the entire time, getting along better than we ever have. We are now back together and things are going fine.
The problem is that I don't trust him. I monitor his cell phone calls. So far he has not contacted her. How can I stop being so distrustful. This is going to cause a wedge in our relationship because he gets real annoyed and tells me he has forgotten her so why can't I?
Would it be better if I kept my distrust to myself.
I do love him, this is the only reason I am still in this marriage.

-Distrustful

Dear Distrustful

If he gets annoyed that you are distrustful, he can get over it real quick. He has put you through hell for six years, and cannot expect you to forget all about it because he has. His actions have eroded away at your self confidence and trust.
It took six years of living with a man who wasn't sure of what he wanted to get the relationship in the place that it is in. It may take another six years before you will ever completely trust him again.
If he gets annoyed, let him.
If he truly wants it to work, he will understand that there are consequences to be paid for his abuse of your trust and he will have to earn it all back. He should hold himself accountable to you for his time, always.
If he still works with his old lover, I would insist that he change employers.
If he truly wants to make a go with you, he will be more than happy to do whatever it takes.

You do not have to be a taskmaster over him. Someone that has truly repented of their misdeeds will not be happy if someone is constantly holding it over their heads. So, be sure that you aren't using his past mistakes to manipulate him.
However, it is only natural that you are mistrustful and suspicious. It is normal for you to think that he will do it again. I
f he does, you should not let him back into your life. If you do, you will still be in this same position 10 years from now. People can only do to you what you allow them to do.

Be Watchful-

Agony Aunt

I Have No friends - My Agony Aunt

2005-05-26T16:05:00.001-07:00

I Have No friends - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt

I am only 19. I have no friends, and nothing to do. I cry every night because I feel so sad. Sometimes I wish that I was not here. I need some help and I'm scared to go to the doctor.

Sad

Dear Sad

I hate to hear a young person sound so sad. It sounds to me like you may be experiencing Depression. It is somewhat common in teens.

In fact, nearly 5% of teens will find themselves with a bout of Clinical Depression. You should understand that depression is not something that you can will yourself out of. You can't snap your fingers and it simply disappear. You don't wake up one morning and suddenly feel better. Depression is easily treated with medication, and there is nothing to fear about seeing a doctor. In fact, what you should fear is not seeing a doctor. Depression that is left alone can continue for years, and it can get severe. Go to a free clinic or even a hospital if you do not have a family doctor.

Signs of depression are: feelings of hopelessness, argumentative with others, easily irritated and agitated, poor academic or work performances, too much sleep, too little sleep, negative self image, prolonged feeling of sadness, crying, withdrawal from the world, weight loss, weight gain, suicidal thoughts, and thoughts of inflicting pain on ones self.

If you are having a couple of these symptoms, I would advise you to tell a parent, or adult, that you can talk to. Seeking treatment through an antidepressant is really not something you should be fearful about. Within a couple of weeks on these medications the clouds will part and the sun will shine again in your life.

You will look back on this time and wonder what you were so fearful of the doctor for. This illness can make obstacles and tasks appear larger than they truly are, so please seek help.

Best of Luck to You-

Agony Aunt

We are worried about our dad. - My Agony Aunt

2005-05-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

We are worried about our dad. - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt-

I'm not sure what to do. Me and my brother have recently noticed that my dad has been going on various web sites which aren't, let's say, normal for him. For example, dating web sites.
He now spends longer than normal on the web, and often is very edgy when on it. Shall we confront him about this? If so, what is the best way to do it?

Worried About Dad

Dear Worried About Dad

You didn't state whether your Dad is a married man, or not. For the sake of this reply, I am going to assume that he is single. I suppose if he were married, you would have said so.
Sometimes it is hard to understand your parents when they do things that you don't agree with. It sounds like you dad is lonely for adult company. Many people look for friendships on the internet.
It may be hard for you to understand why your dad would look for a woman to chat with on the internet, but it may feel safer to him. Adults that have been without a partner for a long time may need to enter the dating world slowly after a long hiatus.
Flirting and having an internet relationship may be just the thing to build up your dad's self esteem for the real world of dating.

If you dad is looking at porn sites, or sites that you don't feel are appropriate, you can simply tell him how it makes you and your brother feel. You can let him know that it makes you uncomfortable, that you don't like it, and that you think it is wrong.
I assume that if your Dad is looking at porn sites that he is doing so in the privacy of his own room. If he is doing it out in the open, he should listen to you and how you and your brother feel about it, and take his porn surfing to a different room away from you. Many people can get addicted to porn. I hope your father is not one of them. If he is you may have to seek the help of someone in your extended family.

Dad May Just Be Lonely-

Agony Aunt

I think I have a eating disorder - My Agony Aunt

2005-05-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

I think I have a eating disorder - My Agony AuntDear Agony Aunt

I am 16 and I have found myself becoming compulsive about food. I went through a stage of depression and from the age of 12 until now I have self-harmed. I have now started to binge eat and afterwards I feel real guilty about so I got to the toilet, etc. I also exercise a lot. I have done loads of research about eating disorders, and I even do psychology A level. I seem to have all of the symptoms but I'm not sure. I don't like the way I look and I still get depressed. Does this mean I'm suffering from bulimia?

-Do I need help?

Dear Needs Help

I would say that the chances that you are developing an eating disorder are a strong possibility. The fact that you might think that you do should throw up a red flag.
It is good that you are educating yourself about depression and eating disorders. You should have learned from your study the importance of seeking help in this situation. Eating disorders may start as an occasional thing, then they turn into something that is hard for you to control.

Having an eating disorder doesn't necessarily mean that you are suffering from a mental disorder. However, therapy benefits individuals with an eating disorder greatly. It is common for some teens and adults to experiment with different styles of eating and dieting. Prolonged experiments can lead to a full blown eating disorder such as compulsive eating, binge eating, and anorexia.
You should contact someone about this problem you are developing and with your depression. Sometimes people binge eat in an attempt to fill an emotional void in their lives. If you can get to the root of why you are behaving this way, you will soon be on the road to a healthier lifestyle of eating, and it will also help with your depression episodes.

Statistics tell us that nearly 2% of the population is affected by binge eating. You will not have any problems locating help. The problem will be in mustering the courage to ask for it. Do yourself the best favor of you life and seek help.

Take Care of Yourself-

Agony Aunt

I like two guys, who do I pick? - My Agony Aunt

2005-05-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

I like two guys, who do I pick? - My Agony AuntI am not sure why I am writing to you, it's just that I am feeling quite confused about everything and it is all getting a bit too much. I need some advice about this guy I like. Actually, I like two people and they are identical twins. I"m not sure which I like the most.
One (D) is a bit better looking, and is more confident. Yet, he can look down on you a bit.
The other, (A), is so polite and lovely, but I'm not sure he would make me laugh. D was my first pull over 3 years ago but I don't think it meant anything to him. Since he has had a girlfriend that he was really in love with.
A is a lot quieter, but he has hinted that he likes me, and I think I like him more. The problem is that we are both quiet people, and I'm not sure if he would ask me out. Recently I've tried to pluck up the courage to tell him I like him, however I then think about how perfect he is, then I look at myself, and I'm average.

I know I'm boring because I can never think of things to say and I am always getting into awkward conversations. I have just started to come out of my shell and I don't want my confidence knocked down by rejection.
I am 17 and have only ever pulled 3 guys, and I am really wanting a relationship like all my friends have had, and are in.

Help

Dear Help

Forget about D, and make friends with A. You should not hold it against A because he is quiet. You said you are just coming out of your shell, give him a break.
You would be surprised how deep conversation can become between two quiet people when they are truly comfortable with each other. Once you get to know each other the laughter will come from all the inside jokes you will have with each other.

Don't be in such a rush to be like all your other friends. Enjoy this time in your life. You are only 17, and you have the rest of your life to be in a deep, sexual relationship.
There is too much drama with girls, and they always seem to put pressure on their girl mates to be like them. One, because they don't want to feel guilty about what they are doing and secondly because they are unsure of themselves.
I would be proud of my inexperience, and I would not rush it. Make friends with A, and let nature take it from there. He probably feels very insecure if he has a brother who people think of as the more handsome one, or the more confident one. If you truly like him, focus your attention on him and don't let him think that D turns your head at all. You and A don't have to have an official date to get close. Start paling around with him and the date will come.

Take it Slow

Agony Aunt

A Drunken Mistake - My Agony Aunt

2005-05-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

A Drunken Mistake - My Agony AuntI am 17, and just recently had my school prom with all of my friends. There was a sligh problem though, as a drunken mistake my friend Paul and I were fooling around and ended up sleeping together. What's worse, the door was open and all of our friends were watching! I really don't know what to do.
I don't want to be remembered as a slut, but I can't lie about what I did. To make things worse, this boy I like who has never noticed me is suddenly talking to me a lot. I want to make a go of things with him, but I have to be honest with him and tell him the truth.
I'm afraid that he will hate me. What do I do? I feel so alone and dirty, and I have no clue how to look at people again. Please help.

Ashamed

Dear Ashamed

Hold your head up and move on. You know the mistake you made, you recognize it for a mistake, and hopefully you have learned from it. You can have a new beginning, but only if you allow yourself to. You can't change what happened, so what is the point in dwelling on it? Drinking and Teens do not mix.
I know everyone was caught up in the spirit of the prom, but I hope you have learned your lesson and will stay away from drinking, especially in a peer setting.

As far as this boy goes that you have your heart set on, more than likely he has already heard about your experience. Could that possibly be why he is coming around now? Think about it.
If you are sure that he has not heard, I would just proceed with the relationship. There will be a time in the proper course of things where you both will open up with each other and share your past. But the important thing to remember is that it is in the past.
If it drives him away, then he is not the guy for you.

People make mistakes. That is a part of life. You can't go around living under the shadow of your past misdeeds, but you cannot refuse to learn from them, either. Good luck to you and this new guy.
I hope things work out the way you want them to. If they don't, chalk it up to experience and move on.

Let the past stay there-

Agony Aunt

2005-03-24T18:49:00.000-08:00

2005-03-24T18:48:00.000-08:00

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